Welcome John0000!
I will just add to what the others have suggested: finding a support network is one of the first healthy steps you can take! It doesn't have to be AA, there are other support groups.
I see a therapist who is an addictions specialist in addition to being in AA.
I remember feeling so alone and lost.
you wrote:
I hate myself for being like this. I just feel so useless and pathetic.
I think we have all felt that way....it's the disease.
You are not a useless person, as Rev points out so well: "it is something that happens to us, not because of us."
You can start with looking at outpatient programs if that is something available and try going to a meeting.