back again - feeling rubbish

Old 04-20-2010, 04:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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back again - feeling rubbish

I am feeling the need to post here again as I really cannot see how I can give this horrible addiction up.

I have been doing really well - not drinking in the week - however I have a two year old son and so if anything I should be doing the opposite.

I know that the only way that I can deal with this is to give up alcohol altogether as I do not have a stop once I start. I am understanding now that this is progressive and I hate the way that i felt on Monday morning after going out for lunch with friends - my other half driving and me drinking far too much wine and then carrying on at home.

My other half drinks as he likes to have a beer - he is a couple of years younger then me and I think he has the same problem however won't accept this.
I find myself feeling so jealous of people that do not have these constant thoughts going through their mind and I feel so much better when I do not drink, my social life with friends does revolve around meeting in pubs etc, I do not have one friend who does not drink - I also do not have one friend who drinks in the same way that I do.

i want to be a good mother and I do not want this to affect my relationship with my son, does this mean that i no longer should associate with my friends - or how do i be in a situation where there is alcohol without drinking - how do I tell my friends this?

I love the way that my life felt with no alcohol when I was pregnant - I know that i have to do this now before this gets any worse - I really feel so alone and lost and just useless.

Why can't i just stop. Will counselling help - I just hate myself for wanting to put myself through this and the depression that I feel after having drunk. I have no-one to tell me what to do - nor help me, my other half does not think that I have a problem and none of my friends have ever spoken to me about this, I just want to make it all go away and stop being such a rubbish and useless person.

Why can I not see my life without alcohol, the benefits far outweigh the glow after the bottle of wine has been drunk and i just want more and more. I hate myself for being like this. I just feel so useless and pathetic.

maybe if i could just get through one weekend it would get easier, I feel so much better for having stopped in the week - but my other half looks at me in shock if i say that i want to stop!!
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:56 AM
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Hi again

Counselling may may AA, or some other recovery programme. Here a few links

There's also options like inpatient or outpatient rehab...your doctor may have some other ideas.

I'm sure others here may have ideas too.

You're not rubbish - you're addicted. Maybe you're underestimating how much you need to work at this? I know I did.

It's really hard to change your life.

You really need to be committed, and be prepared to work hard, and you really need to cultivate some kind of support network.

It's a truism to say nothing changes if nothing changes.

I looked back and I can see a lot of ambivalence in your posts. You want to quit for your son, for sure, but how much do you want to quit for you?

It's worth thinking about.

I know one thing - it never gets only gets worse.

But it is possible - entirely possible - and you're not alone here
Welcome back
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:24 AM
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Welcome to SR! you'll find lots of support here and you'll find you're not alone.

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Old 04-20-2010, 05:28 AM
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For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Counseling might be helpful, I see mine once a week and it really helps me stay on the right track. If you're really going to make this work, you've got to do it for YOU, first and foremost.

I hope you can find a way to stop drinking for good. It IS a progressive disease and will never get better, only worse.
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:58 AM
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Welcome to SR! We are so glad you found us! You are making huge progress already whether you realize it or not! You recognize you cant control your drinking and that there is a better life without it. That in itself is huge!
You need to remember you are NOT rubbish or a useless person! You are a blessed mother of a 2 year old to start with.. I hope you consider a working a program and maybe some counseling as suggested above. Remember your worth it!
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:09 AM
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Thanks - just read this back and sounds so pathetic - need to pull myself together and get a grip of myself, surely it should not be as hard as i think!! Just don't understand why it is so hard to give up something that i hate - or forget how much i hate it. When other people have a hangover the last thing that they feel like doing is having a drink - it's the first thing i think of.

If it wasn't for my Son I would be a mess - he keeps me on the almost sane level! Well he stops me getting up at the weekend and having a drink - without him i would just get myself into that vicious circle.

I have got to stop this self pity and gain control. I must remember that the bad feeling far outweigh the feeling of a bottle of wine. Ahhhhhhh will this get easwier!!
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:11 AM
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No one chooses to have this problem. It just is. Don't blame yourself. The cravings, the pain of it, these are something that happens to us, not because of us. Learning to manage it is our extra burden in life. I see alot more wisdom on this board than I do in other areas of my life, because of this extra burden. It is a very painful karma, yes, but one that strengthens our souls in the long run.

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Old 04-20-2010, 01:51 PM
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:00 PM
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What is your plan to quit? For me I had to get into a program & meet and talk with other alcoholics, that program is AA. There are others out there as well.

Without the support of these forums, AA and a spiritual connection I would not be able to continue to be sober & happy.

It does take a lot of commitment & effort but no more than dealing with all of the problems & issues that alcohol brings with it.

All of the best in your recovery

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Old 04-20-2010, 02:16 PM
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Welcome John0000!

I will just add to what the others have suggested: finding a support network is one of the first healthy steps you can take! It doesn't have to be AA, there are other support groups.
I see a therapist who is an addictions specialist in addition to being in AA.
I remember feeling so alone and lost.

you wrote:
I hate myself for being like this. I just feel so useless and pathetic.
I think we have all felt that's the disease.
You are not a useless person, as Rev points out so well: "it is something that happens to us, not because of us."
You can start with looking at outpatient programs if that is something available and try going to a meeting.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by john0000 View Post
how do i be in a situation where there is alcohol without drinking - how do I tell my friends this?
Welcome , John0000

I can't really add anything to the suggestions here about recovery. SR has helped me so much with that the last few weeks.

When a friend asked why I'm not drinking ?, I just brush it off (in a good natured and positive way) with :

" oh , I decided to quit eatin all the junky food I was eatin' ; ... with all that sugar,'s just wasn't doing me any good. Tryin to drink more water now."

For me, I don't feel the need to explain what I want (or don't want) to put in my body. Nobody ever asked if I'm not drinking tea or coffee, but the answer would be the same; ....."just trying to clean up my diet a little."

Thanks for your post. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction !!
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:45 PM
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I agree with Rev too - there's alot of wisdom in these SR rooms - it's great to open up like you did too - it lessens the weight of carrying all that confusion around in your head and on your shoulders.

I used to love the brief times I was sober too and always felt worse and worse each time I drank afterwards, wondering why, why, why???

My answers came from an outpatient counselor who changed my life (with the same experience as Littlefish's therapist). He helped me to overcome my fear of the unknown (life without alcohol) and how to build a purposeful life in recovery.

I saw him at night, so there was no daytime schedule interference. Check with your local community rehabs to see what options fit your needs.

You are a significant woman, mother, spouse, daughter, friend, etc. - you have nothing to lose by talking to a counselor. You're worth it. Be well.
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Old 04-20-2010, 10:36 PM
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Hi John0000
Welcome to the board... it's a great place with a lot of really good people. You are not useless/pathetic or weak, and it helps to realize that alcoholism is not a flaw of character but a disease. Secondly, you have to accept that you may be an alcoholic and enlist the help of your doctor or counsellor. Third, and Least is right here, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink, because once you start realizing and experiencing the benefits, you will not want to drink again. Fourth... take it One Day at a Time. You will find that once you're past one or two weeks you will be on your way to full recovery. As the cherry on the cake, read "Under the Influence" from Amazon, it will give you telling insights into how alcoholism affects you physically and psychologically, and will help you understand the nature of the beast. Once you know the nature of the enemy you are one step closer to slaying it. Good luck and congratulations on making the decision to post here. It has helped me enormously in my recovery after more than 30 years of drinking. (:
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:37 AM
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Thanks to you all, this has helped. i just want to be healthy and happy and not feel like this anymore. i am worried about doing this though - I spoke to my partner briefly this morning about helping me not drink this weekend even though i have been hating myself a lot when i do drink I have been much better - not drinking in the week, but when it comes to the weekend the whole cycle starts again and depending on how much i have depends on how bad I feel on Monday morning.

His reply was I want to drink at the weekend - theres nothing wrong with you, you just feel depressed after drinking, you are OK if you only have a couple. My response was that but I can't just have a couple, It's making me ill. He said stop being so stupid. To which i shouted thanks for your support and he said well I'll just get pissed tonight in that case.

He is so supportive in everything else - yet he drinks at least 4 or 5 beers a night and alcoholism runs in his family - it is like looking at myself 5 years ago.

I am going to try to find a counsellor - well I have found a couple in the area as I think that it is a lot to do with things in my past as to why i started to drink heavily - I have never had a "stop" button. I just find it really difficult to talk to people about things - and i find now that when I do have a drink I get upset - and really upset the following day.

I went to sleep at 8.30 last night and woke up feeling good to be non fuzzy headed when my son got me up at 6 so got to spend more time with him before work.

I just have this nagging heavy feeling that won't go away, and if my partners attitude is what it is i don't see how i will ever get better.

Maybe i should not expect him to help me by not drinking around me - but I don't know that there is any other way. It would be a lot easier if people were telling me that I have to do something - not telling me that i am OK. I know I'm not OK maybe I need some tough love - maybe I just need to be stronger.

Sorry not really much more positive today - if i could get through one weekend maybe i would feel better. I don't think i can stand to feel like this forever. I just want to be normal.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:56 AM
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Welcome to SR!!! You need support during your recovery and counseling is an excellent tool. AA and working the 12 Steps is another that is there for you. You must have the will power and determination to quit and that part can be a bit rough at first which is why I emphasize support, support, support.

So glad you are here and there is so much valuable information to be found on SR. Remember that recovery is one day at a time.

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