My Journey Update
Well its been 3 months since my husband took his life. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone thru. My daughter and I are making progress thru therapy and a group Survivors of Suicide. The better days are out weighing the bad days, but let me tell you the bad days sneak up and sometimes are worst.
I've been making sure that my daughter and I are taking care of ourselves. For me is foreign but I'm thankful that she is learning this now instead of learning it at 44.
I'd like to share some of my therapy, in hope that others will see patterns of there own. I never knew my real Father, the only Father figure I had was my Grandfather which I lost at 12. Since my Mother never really raised me, when she would marry or move in with someone, then the whole family scene would start. All of the men she was involved with were either A's or drug addicts. The third husband took her life when I was 16. So on that note, there began my view of men.
Every single serious relationship I had with men started with either meeting them at a bar, parties etc. Never a straight normal man.
Always either an abuse one or one with addiction problems. This is what I thought was normal. Heck everyone has problems right?
I could help them and change them right? Well didn't I get a big surprise out of that one. Even some of my friendship relationships started the same way. I took crap from them too. So what I did was did was dig out my Grandfathers initial ring. I'm wearing this ring as a symbol. If I allow anyone into my life they have to meet the standards of the way my Grandfather liked and loved me. If not, they are cut off. Done.
No longer will I be treated like a doormat, taking any scrap of attention from anyone.
I miss my husband the man I married, not the A he turned into. Which is a very hard thing to do. I took off the month of March from my full time job. (How can the HR person help anyone if I'm a mess) So I've been back 2 weeks and its very hard. But I have to push thru to bring money into the house. Some days good some days bad. My coworkers seem awkward around me but that's ok, they have to deal with this their own ways. I don't talk about any here. I have friends and the therapist to discuss this with. Unfortually yesterday I had to leave early
my daughter had an asthma attack and we ended up in the ER for a breathing treatment. My boss is not happy with me and I don't give one hoot of what he thinks. He is very old school, and would have never taken time off. Ask me if I care, Nope, my self worth doesn't come from him. Makes it a little uncomfortable here, but that I can handle after everything that has happen. He can go suck an egg.
Here is a strange one for you too. I wonder if I ever will find a real true healthy relationship with a man. Will I remain a widow forever.
I'm lonely, I have friends that support me, but I wonder. I don't know what is in store for my future leaving that to HP with everything else.
I cant keep carrying a load that is too big for me. So I've been praying and sending up my worries to my HP. I want the veil lifted from my heart , soul and life. I want to live, I don't want to wither away. I just don't know how to do it.
As always thank you all for listening to me, there is always great knowledge on these boards. without them I would have never started to
discover the real me. Hope all is well with you all.