Never had 5 mos before.
Here it is. 5 months of clean time. I havent ever had this long clean. I started doing drugs at 12. Thats a long time to be messed up.
I am still not impressed. I can lose it just like that.
I have been feeling off lately. I see a pattern forming and I dont like it.
But I can tell on myself now. And to the right people. Not the ones who dont understand and just enable me.
Its the thought of shame and guilt that keeps me going right now. Before it was bliss. Later it may be something else. Whatever works I guess.
I seriously need a sponsor. At a meeting last week there was this speakert and she said " If you dont get a sponsor and work the steps, then why are you here?"
Well said. Commitment and service work keeps me coming back. I still struggle with the happily wanting to go. I go because I know I need to and I do feel better most of the time when I do.
I am beginning to deal with life clean for the first time. No drugs, no nicotine. Its tough.
I never want to go back there. I am doing my 1st step at treatment to morrow. Thats got me all nervous. Opening myself up like that in front of the entire day treatment.
I dont see why that helps. But whatever.
I am not working a 100% program. I am doing almost the minimum. And thats not good either.
Once I get settled with the new job, I will put more effort back in.
But I need to make sure I dont get lazy or too complacent.
That is when I always mess it up.
LOL..5 months. I couldnt even put 5 minutes together most of the time before.
My journey started here at SR. You guys have seen my worst. And still accepted me. Still stood by me and held me up when all I wanted to do was die.
I have said it so many times before. There arent words to explain how grateful I am to you all.
But I have the clean time funk blues that happens sometimes.
But alot of things are weighing on me too.
I will make it.
I just want to thank you guys for helping me get here.