Oh I wish I had a brilliant flash of insight for you.....
all I know is that I wanted closure sooooo much. Even though what I thought was real was certainly over, I still needed and wanted my XA to admit his wrong doings, and at the very least value me as a friend, as someone who truly cared about him....
For months I have cried. Sometimes I have tried. I think you read my thread about asking if they enjoy hurting you....
even in that recent exchange, I was still looking for closure. I got it, but not how I wanted. I'm still left with wanting him so much to value me as a friend....something he cannot and will not do.
So closure. I've thought about that a lot in the past 2 days. The closure MUST come from within. My closure is the reminder to myself that I did everything I could, that I was genuine, that I was sincere, that though it was not reciprocated how I wanted it to be that I cared with all of my heart. That is my closure.
I have no power in how he perceives the relationship I had with him. He has his own reality (if you can call it that).
I wish I had an answer for how they take off and start over like you never existed.... I just know I know what that feels like.
But, even with that, I am still here, and so are you. We are still alive and kicking! Some days we may forget for a moment what it feels like to feel good. But then we remember. Then we remember what things in the future are waiting for us, what we are working towards, and know that one year from now, we will probably not feel the loss that we may feel right now.
Today I spent a lot of time reading some of the stickies under the Classic Reading at the top. Some of those are so fabulous! They provide insight, they are comforting, the remind you that you are not alone. I had read them before, but rereading them was eye opening again.... it showed me that the actions of an A are often so transparent, that we cannot internalize it, that this is really just how they act. And the great thing is... we do not ever have to be a part of it again.