Just wanted to know
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Just wanted to know
Just wanted to know how an A goes from trying to reconcile with his wife and doing everything humanely possible to get her back, even recovery but then switches gears and says they have no feeling left for them and they want a divorce.
My initial thought was there was someone else and I am not sure. But I know I am not supposed to rent space in my head to him but I just want to know how someone begs for your forgiveness and then takes off and starts a new life like you never existed? Does it mean the love was never real? The last 10 years were a fake? I am just trying to get some closure although I know I may never get closure. Any ideas are welcomed..
My initial thought was there was someone else and I am not sure. But I know I am not supposed to rent space in my head to him but I just want to know how someone begs for your forgiveness and then takes off and starts a new life like you never existed? Does it mean the love was never real? The last 10 years were a fake? I am just trying to get some closure although I know I may never get closure. Any ideas are welcomed..
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Another person/mate is my guess. It's happening to me. Plus, I've read other posts with it occuring also. Lulu, my guess is in time, he will come back to you as will mine. You know this for sure, he isn't leaving you because he's sober. That should be your mindset. Sober first, Reconcile second. Hang in there. Pray/Patience.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh I wish I had a brilliant flash of insight for you.....
all I know is that I wanted closure sooooo much. Even though what I thought was real was certainly over, I still needed and wanted my XA to admit his wrong doings, and at the very least value me as a friend, as someone who truly cared about him....
For months I have cried. Sometimes I have tried. I think you read my thread about asking if they enjoy hurting you....
even in that recent exchange, I was still looking for closure. I got it, but not how I wanted. I'm still left with wanting him so much to value me as a friend....something he cannot and will not do.
So closure. I've thought about that a lot in the past 2 days. The closure MUST come from within. My closure is the reminder to myself that I did everything I could, that I was genuine, that I was sincere, that though it was not reciprocated how I wanted it to be that I cared with all of my heart. That is my closure.
I have no power in how he perceives the relationship I had with him. He has his own reality (if you can call it that).
I wish I had an answer for how they take off and start over like you never existed.... I just know I know what that feels like.
But, even with that, I am still here, and so are you. We are still alive and kicking! Some days we may forget for a moment what it feels like to feel good. But then we remember. Then we remember what things in the future are waiting for us, what we are working towards, and know that one year from now, we will probably not feel the loss that we may feel right now.
Today I spent a lot of time reading some of the stickies under the Classic Reading at the top. Some of those are so fabulous! They provide insight, they are comforting, the remind you that you are not alone. I had read them before, but rereading them was eye opening again.... it showed me that the actions of an A are often so transparent, that we cannot internalize it, that this is really just how they act. And the great thing is... we do not ever have to be a part of it again.
all I know is that I wanted closure sooooo much. Even though what I thought was real was certainly over, I still needed and wanted my XA to admit his wrong doings, and at the very least value me as a friend, as someone who truly cared about him....
For months I have cried. Sometimes I have tried. I think you read my thread about asking if they enjoy hurting you....
even in that recent exchange, I was still looking for closure. I got it, but not how I wanted. I'm still left with wanting him so much to value me as a friend....something he cannot and will not do.
So closure. I've thought about that a lot in the past 2 days. The closure MUST come from within. My closure is the reminder to myself that I did everything I could, that I was genuine, that I was sincere, that though it was not reciprocated how I wanted it to be that I cared with all of my heart. That is my closure.
I have no power in how he perceives the relationship I had with him. He has his own reality (if you can call it that).
I wish I had an answer for how they take off and start over like you never existed.... I just know I know what that feels like.
But, even with that, I am still here, and so are you. We are still alive and kicking! Some days we may forget for a moment what it feels like to feel good. But then we remember. Then we remember what things in the future are waiting for us, what we are working towards, and know that one year from now, we will probably not feel the loss that we may feel right now.
Today I spent a lot of time reading some of the stickies under the Classic Reading at the top. Some of those are so fabulous! They provide insight, they are comforting, the remind you that you are not alone. I had read them before, but rereading them was eye opening again.... it showed me that the actions of an A are often so transparent, that we cannot internalize it, that this is really just how they act. And the great thing is... we do not ever have to be a part of it again.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Trying to figure out the why's when you're dealing with another individual, much less an alcoholic, is pretty futile in my opinion.
Add in conflicting stories, confusing lies, underhanded manipulation and it becomes a puzzle even Mr. Holmes couldn't unravel.
All you need to know is: Can I live with this person as they are right now? If the answer is no, then it's time to move forward.
Add in conflicting stories, confusing lies, underhanded manipulation and it becomes a puzzle even Mr. Holmes couldn't unravel.
All you need to know is: Can I live with this person as they are right now? If the answer is no, then it's time to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Here are my thoughts on that.
You can never be in someone elses head. A person's mind can do quite the gymnastics to protect itself, cope, ignore, deny. It is wasted thought trying to figure out someone elses head. I have more then enough to try to figure out my own, lol.
I also believe that nothing in the past was a fake. It was just as real as what happened yesterday, and what is happening today. People, relationships, feelings, nothing is frozen in time. It moves and changes and you just have to deal, good or bad. The thing I have to watch out for is not making my visions of the future real. Those are not real. I can't get stuck in today, looking at tomorrow.
You can never be in someone elses head. A person's mind can do quite the gymnastics to protect itself, cope, ignore, deny. It is wasted thought trying to figure out someone elses head. I have more then enough to try to figure out my own, lol.
I also believe that nothing in the past was a fake. It was just as real as what happened yesterday, and what is happening today. People, relationships, feelings, nothing is frozen in time. It moves and changes and you just have to deal, good or bad. The thing I have to watch out for is not making my visions of the future real. Those are not real. I can't get stuck in today, looking at tomorrow.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Awww, hon.
You're doing so extraordinarily well -
try focusing on the forward momentun
you've go tgoing today
before snagging
on the undertow of self doubt
in the disguise of 'closure'.
Turning away mail
and taking all his possessions elsewhere
is great for beginning closure.
It's such a slippery slope trying to figure out the insane
when we're only getting our own footing.
I hope you'll keep up with the forward movement.
An alcoholic loves nothing and no one above their own substance.
They've placed a substance
where their Spirit should be.
How can anything else after that
be anything but insane?
You're doing so extraordinarily well -
try focusing on the forward momentun
you've go tgoing today
before snagging
on the undertow of self doubt
in the disguise of 'closure'.
Turning away mail
and taking all his possessions elsewhere
is great for beginning closure.
It's such a slippery slope trying to figure out the insane
when we're only getting our own footing.
I hope you'll keep up with the forward movement.
An alcoholic loves nothing and no one above their own substance.
They've placed a substance
where their Spirit should be.
How can anything else after that
be anything but insane?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
Awww, hon.
You're doing so extraordinarily well -
try focusing on the forward momentun
you've go tgoing today
before snagging
on the undertow of self doubt
in the disguise of 'closure'.
Turning away mail
and taking all his possessions elsewhere
is great for beginning closure.
It's such a slippery slope trying to figure out the insane
when we're only getting our own footing.
I hope you'll keep up with the forward movement.
An alcoholic loves nothing and no one above their own substance.
They've placed a substance
where their Spirit should be.
How can anything else after that
be anything but insane?
You're doing so extraordinarily well -
try focusing on the forward momentun
you've go tgoing today
before snagging
on the undertow of self doubt
in the disguise of 'closure'.
Turning away mail
and taking all his possessions elsewhere
is great for beginning closure.
It's such a slippery slope trying to figure out the insane
when we're only getting our own footing.
I hope you'll keep up with the forward movement.
An alcoholic loves nothing and no one above their own substance.
They've placed a substance
where their Spirit should be.
How can anything else after that
be anything but insane?
I fell today and hurt myself. I am ok..but it made me sad I was home alone with no one there..not that he would have cared that much but it was just a scary moment. I handled it fine and if the swelling on my foot doesnt go down I will go to the emergency room tomorrow. I guess that was my trigger tonight.,I almost very much hurt myself and where was he? Ahh..its in the past I know. Just a weak moment..
tomorrow I will start over again but you are so right about his soul..I have noticed that with him..he no longer has one,,,thanks so much for the bandaide on my heart..xoxo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Took me a while to come to terms with the new me....as my xah saw me.
For 25 years he said I was his best mate, the love of his life.
The last week before I left, I was a wh*re, sl*t, thief, idiot, a dead fish in bed, and the devil incarnate. WOW.
When I knew he had alcohol dementia I could both understand and forgive, but for a couple of years I was hurt, bewildered and despised him. Now I have forgiven us both.
God bless
For 25 years he said I was his best mate, the love of his life.
The last week before I left, I was a wh*re, sl*t, thief, idiot, a dead fish in bed, and the devil incarnate. WOW.
When I knew he had alcohol dementia I could both understand and forgive, but for a couple of years I was hurt, bewildered and despised him. Now I have forgiven us both.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I will never understand how he switches his emotions so on and off. I will pray to release this from my thinking and keep reading recovery materials...it can be very painful at times..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by lulu1974
I will never understand how he switches his emotions so on and off.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I saw a friend going thru the DT's, and after the "mouse in the sugar bowl at a cafe", and "a plane landing outside the chemist shop" incidents, plus when he put his small twin boys in the washing machine to keep the huge mosquitos from getting them....I figured it was nuts to believe an active drinker.
If their brains go wacky, and they can see what aint there and hear what aint said, then why believe my xah when he abused me and called me names I didn't deserve. I mean if they knew what was what, they wouldn't be in the mess they are stuck in, would they?
God bless
If their brains go wacky, and they can see what aint there and hear what aint said, then why believe my xah when he abused me and called me names I didn't deserve. I mean if they knew what was what, they wouldn't be in the mess they are stuck in, would they?
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
When I start wondering why or HOW he does it I think: perhaps he is drunk now.
Perhaps he has never been as drunk as he is now?
Helps a great deal to discard anything I may have perceived as hurtful to me.
Also to imagine he is a zombie possesed by an evil entity. So its like a puppet acting in favor of the addiction, its NOT someone "normal".
Why? because addiction and keeping it alive is first. How? by ANY means.
This document helps me achieve closure.
Dependency - Relationship
Perhaps he has never been as drunk as he is now?
Helps a great deal to discard anything I may have perceived as hurtful to me.
Also to imagine he is a zombie possesed by an evil entity. So its like a puppet acting in favor of the addiction, its NOT someone "normal".
Why? because addiction and keeping it alive is first. How? by ANY means.
This document helps me achieve closure.
Dependency - Relationship
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Excerpt:
The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before. The Law of Self has taken over. If you met this person once they were addicted, you became deceived
by your own need.
The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before. The Law of Self has taken over. If you met this person once they were addicted, you became deceived
by your own need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Excerpt:
The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before. The Law of Self has taken over. If you met this person once they were addicted, you became deceived
by your own need.
The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before. The Law of Self has taken over. If you met this person once they were addicted, you became deceived
by your own need.
I cant remember the last time i was free..every vacation we took I didnt feel free or happy..towards the end I didnt want to go on vacation with him anymore. I went with my sister and that was fun and happy.
I dont know why i hang on emotionally. I tell my head to stop it all the time but it wont do it...I thought if I understood it would help but it doesnt. He has the potential to be such a great person but he likes being a functioning alcoholic instead. Someone told me to write a book of this marriage and I was considering it..maybe it can be a movie. I wish people knew the consequences ahead of time..before they let this kind of person in there life..I know I wish I knew. I feel like a scared rabbit..I dont want to leave the house..I just want to stay in a cocoon..and yet I think about him and miss the companionship..but i try to think I will have the right companionship when day..when I get better and find the type of person that I can feel free around..Thank you all for listening
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
