ExAH, no offense, but you're not even half the man I need." He can't even take care of himself.
heehee, yep, my ex would gladly come back, and he thinks if he tells me how much he hates the drunken girlfriend he has, i should be flattered. LOL uh, not!
I wonder if my ex would ever understand me, or ever be able to be a fully functioning part of society. He has gone so far down the road, and I think he has actually damaged his brain with alcohol and crack. Well, of course, he's being doing it so many years.
I am a recovering alcoholic, I drank for twenty years. From 16 to 36 (with breaks during my pregnancies, i could not keep the beer down when i was pregnant, thank god). I was miserable and when i was taken for assessment, it finally occurred to me "i dont have to live like this anymore!"
that was the first time that thought had ever entered my mind. i have not had a drink since that night. i know that is rare, but i was so relieved, i would practically grab people and say "i am an alcoholic, i cant drink!" LOL Like i was pregnant, "no thanks, none for me, i am pregnant" hehehe
Well, the point of this trip down memory lane is, when people get a good amount of recovery behind them, and know they don't have to live that way anymore, why go back out there? why do it again and again and again? when you have people who love you like only a codependent can.
When people on this forum say "I know he can be that person I fell in love with, that good person who loved me and we had lovely plans for the future", I wonder if that person was ever really there. Or, that lovely person was there, but just for a moment, and then poof! gone with the substance.
So, I am an alcoholic, but that is not all that I am. It is part of me, but not an excuse to behave atrociously to people who love me. I am an addict and now struggling with the codependent part of me, wanting to "fix" my children. Sigh.....
I wonder if my sincere desire for my ex to get well clouded my vision to who he really is, as a person, a man, a father or a husband. Every time I gave him one more chance to get it right, a little piece of me died, because I was projecting the hope I had onto him.
Maybe he was never the man I thought he was or could be, the entire thing was a delusion fueled by alcohol. and that is so sad, so very sad for him.
Anyway, after all this, I guess my question is, after they relapse so many times, or use for so many years is it possible that the person actually gets lost in there? Or, even worse never existed, and it was all just an illusion?
I don't know, but I do know I want something different now. something entirely different.
thanks for reading my ruminations. lol
beth