Neo, I am coming up on a two year anniversary, and there are times that I want to drink. I have worked all the steps, and my mind seems to have a mind of its own. I feel ashamed of my thinking -- then I remind myself that it is just a thought. I can let it pass without acting on it and without judging myself. I came into the program as a young person -- late 20s and what I had to do was make new friends (i.e., non-drinking friends). This is my second time around. The first time I had 13 years of sobriety. I went out for a few years. I relapsed because I wasn't entirely convinced that I was alcoholic. We really do have to concede to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic as the first step in recovery. From experience I can tell you that the disease only gets worse -- never better. I am now in my mid-40s. When I have thoughts about drinking, I begin to pray, asking my Higher Power to direct my thinking and my actions and to keep me sober for another day. When I am thinking about drinking, I am only thinking about what alcohol does FOR ME -- I am not thinking about what alcohol does TO ME.
Finally, what I understand about the first three steps is that step one is worked outside of AA. Step one is the bottom that brought me into the program. Step two is a conclusion -- either God is or God isn't -- what is my choice to be? Do I now believe or am I willing to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? My first power greater than myself was my AA group. The people in the group had a wisdom and strength far greater than my own. Step three means making a decision. Unless I take action on my decision (i.e., Steps 4-12), nothing has changed. I can make a decision to visit my friend in Canada. But unless I take action (i.e., take time off work, buy a plane ticket, pack my bags, go to the airport, etc.) I will never get to actually visit my friend in Canada. Steps 4 thru 12 are the action plan of the program.
Don't get discouraged. Hang in there. Nearly everyone has something they struggle with -- whether one is alcoholic or not. Life has its ups and downs. That's what I understand "life on life's terms" to mean. I take the good with the bad, the struggles with the ease, the joy with the sadness. SusanLauren