Meat

I have been battling with trying to limit for a long time. I would say 20 years of very heavy drinking. Over the last six years or so I have really lost control when drinking / bingeing... I can go weeks and months at a time without drinking without too much problem. However, I don't really seem to be much happier during those times. I always go back at a slow pace and everything is ok. It all spirals downhill from there though i.e. eventual bingeing, embarrassment, injured relationships, and more self hate... I haven't had any legal trouble at this point, but I certainly spend way more money on it than I really can stand.

For the last year and a half or so it has been really bad. I have been through a lot. Divorce, chronic back injury including surgeries, the collapse of the industry and a new city with very few friends. I have turned to the booze to battle the pain and loneliness. However, it isn't helping anymore. I am deeply depressed. I am seeing a counselor for that and on meds as well. They also don't seem to be helping.

I haven't had a drink since Monday. However, the weekend was a pretty ugly 4 day bender. Mostly alone in the house not wanting to see anyone.

I am hoping you guys are right about the clouds lifting. I am tired of hating myself and I am tired of feeling lousy...

I have researched some meetings, but I have to say I am a bit turned off by all of the spiritual reliability in the 12 step programs. I would like to believe that I do have the power to stop, though I agree I may not be able to do it alone. How "preachy" do the meetings get? Is it a lot of praying and meditating or is there more self empowerment?

Thanks!