You all are so sweet, I am really glad I found this place. We talked a little today - and I was surprisingly calm. Told him I'm most likely going to file - but there is no hurry, let's get some bills and the house in order, etc.
Oh, he's also seeing a pain mgmt specialist for his back (2 deteriorated disks, needs surgery). I asked him time and time again if he told her he was an addict - he assured me YES she knew (he's on vicoden and morphine at night). Well, he had epidural injections yesterday and I was sitting right there when they were going thru his medical history and low and behold NO MENTION of his alcohol/drug abuse. I'm totally not surprised.
He says he wishes I could just accept him for who he is. I told him that I was sorry I didn't know how to. Just something I know about myself - I won't be happy living like this and I'm tired of trying to make him into the person I wish he had become on his own. He says he's a rebel, it's his nature to rebel - what a lonely existence.
Kodfishy, your post gave me a big fat smile! Thank you. Wow, I can't believe I actually *get it* now. I'm kind of scared to be single but oddly enough, looking forward to it too. I honestly feel at peace with my decision - I guess that's how I know it's the right one.