I think I'm getting out

Old 06-21-2004, 03:24 PM
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Unhappy I think I'm getting out

Hi all. I haven't had much time online lately - started working a fulltime job as well as a parttime one on the weekends.

For those who don't remember, my AH is the one who is attempting to drink "socially". Well, he hasn't gotten "drunk", but just him drinking in the first place is really bothering me. Because he chooses to hide it like I'm a moron. He'll slam a 40 oz on the way home from the grocery store and leave the empty in my van. Plus he's hanging out a lot with one of his friends who is a heavy drinker - trying to start up his old heavy metal band like he's 18 again (mind you, he's 36 now and has a family - I smell an early mid-life crisis).

We got into it on the phone today when I told him he was an alcoholic. He actually said "NO I AM NOT", like everything he had learned in rehab had gotten thrown right out the window. Thinks that because he doesn't get drunk, he doesn't have a problem. QUACK QUACK QUACK. He says he feels like I'm trying to *control* his drinking. See, but that's the thing, finally I am not! I've let it go because I know I can't control HIM or what he drinks.

We've got marriage counseling on Wednesday and I'm going to bring some things up. I've FINALLY realized that this isn't about HIM. I either have to accept him for WHO he is and stop grieving for the person I had wished he would become - and if I can't do that then I need to get out.

I just don't want to live my life like this. Always holding him at arms length because I'm afraid of getting too close and having it all come crashing down around me again - Afraid to love him 100% - always waiting for the other shoe to drop and not get too happy or excited about our life. I think between all the drinking, the coke and the cheating he finally killed it. I deserve to live better than this, and he deserves someone who is going to love him 100%. This sucks, but I am strong and will get thru it like I always do.
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Old 06-21-2004, 03:34 PM
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Oh, thought of a couple other things that will amuse you all and were total "triggers" for me that he's right back into his old mindset:

The reason he slammed the 40oz on the way home was "because he was thirsty". (DUH - "healthy" thirsty people drink water or soda)

He thinks I'm being too hard on him - he's controlling his drinking like a lot of people CANNOT do, and is upset that I don't "appreciate" him doing so.

Then starts on the whole defensive - "at least I'm not sitting at a bar every day" and "I guess I can't do anything right"
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Old 06-21-2004, 03:52 PM
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smf30,
Spicoli used to drink Vodka "because he was thirsty" too. And anything else that got in his way.
And I can't count the number of times that he decided he had graduated from Alcoholism and could "drink like other people".
It's mind games they play with themselves. And it doesn't make sense to anyone but them.
You keep taking care of yourself and making your choices based on what's best for you.
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Old 06-21-2004, 04:22 PM
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That's what I hear all the time too. I'm thirsty. Well, when I get thirsty I drink a Diet Pepsi or water.
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Old 06-21-2004, 05:20 PM
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smf30 -
Your last paragraph really spoke to me. That is what I do. I've become afraid to let myself feel anything towards him because I don't want to get hurt again.

How sad to live our lives afraid to express the most basic of emotions. How sad that loving someone has become something so painful.
L
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Old 06-21-2004, 06:39 PM
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Girly girl,
You've got it together.
Seriously, you've accepted the things you cannot change.
You're facing the things you can change and are deciding what you want.
You know it's not about you.
You're realistic about who your AH is and who he's going to be.
Do what's right for you and your kids.
Being single really isn't that bad.
In addition to not having all the alcoholic crappety-crap to put up with, it's a pretty good life.
I was just thinking tonight, "wow, I wanted pancakes and green beans for dinner, so I had pancakes and green beans for dinner and I didn't even feel weird about it."
PM me if you ever need support. You know I'm single with a kid and in a similar boat on many fronts.
Always do the right thing.
K
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Old 06-21-2004, 07:07 PM
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SMF30;
I got on here tonight because of some uneasy feelings about my AH. and when I read your post I thought OH NO you beat me here *L* I have had enough about 3 weeks ago and moved out, partyly thinking he would stop but mostley thinking I have got to keep peace with in and my kids. SO I was gone 2 weeks and the whole time he begged me to go home 7 days sober I did for many reasons one not being how he begged. But it was hard living in a house with 11 people.
1 week later My kids catch him drinking.... we go through the whole 10 days sober down the drain. yack yack yack...... so we did the arguing not about him drinking but about promises.
2 days later he started again and then again 2 days ago.after I asked him if he was he said no, and then we caught him. I HATE the lies. and the feeling of this is not the way I want my life to be......... Therefor Either I choose to live like this or choose to change either way it is my choice.
God grant me the sernity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can.... and WISDOME to know the diffrence.
I am starting to believe that I can not make him love me or the kids more than his beer. I can read and read the same things and still do not understand how alcohol comes above and before children.
My husband won custody of his daughter 9 years ago anmd he is so close to loosing her today due to his drinking......
My HA has some great hiding places as well..... *L* in the bathroom cabnits where the toilit paper goes... in the ceiling tiles or leaves the empties in the van.
I really like the quote that you said

I've FINALLY realized that this isn't about HIM. I either have to accept him for WHO he is and stop grieving for the person I hwished he would becoad me - and if I can't do that then I need to get out.


I found I am so much happier when my kids and me are alone a little more worried about bills but calmer,peaceful........... Just wanted to give you a little whisper in the ear your not alone.
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Old 06-22-2004, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Dazimae
SMF30;
I HATE the lies. and the feeling of this is not the way I want my life to be......... Therefor Either I choose to live like this or choose to change either way it is my choice.
I really like the quote that you said

I've FINALLY realized that this isn't about HIM. I either have to accept him for WHO he is and stop grieving for the person I hwished he would becoad me - and if I can't do that then I need to get out.


I found I am so much happier when my kids and me are alone a little more worried about bills but calmer,peaceful........... Just wanted to give you a little whisper in the ear your not alone.
I love you guys This is how I've been feeling lately. Although I left my A a month ago and last heard from him last Friday. Being on my own I've started to feel calm and have found my smile again There are so many beautiful things in life like a sunset and not worrying all the time has given me peace of mind to enjoy just being. I love calmness

It's so reliefing to read your stories and to understand that I'm not alone nor crazy for wanting a good relationship. Thank you all. Today is a good day.
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Old 06-22-2004, 05:21 PM
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You all are so sweet, I am really glad I found this place. We talked a little today - and I was surprisingly calm. Told him I'm most likely going to file - but there is no hurry, let's get some bills and the house in order, etc.

Oh, he's also seeing a pain mgmt specialist for his back (2 deteriorated disks, needs surgery). I asked him time and time again if he told her he was an addict - he assured me YES she knew (he's on vicoden and morphine at night). Well, he had epidural injections yesterday and I was sitting right there when they were going thru his medical history and low and behold NO MENTION of his alcohol/drug abuse. I'm totally not surprised.

He says he wishes I could just accept him for who he is. I told him that I was sorry I didn't know how to. Just something I know about myself - I won't be happy living like this and I'm tired of trying to make him into the person I wish he had become on his own. He says he's a rebel, it's his nature to rebel - what a lonely existence.

Kodfishy, your post gave me a big fat smile! Thank you. Wow, I can't believe I actually *get it* now. I'm kind of scared to be single but oddly enough, looking forward to it too. I honestly feel at peace with my decision - I guess that's how I know it's the right one.
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Old 06-22-2004, 09:04 PM
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great thread

I feel the strength coming from so many of the posts here. It is true that many of us find a sense of calm and serenity when we realize that living without the insanity of our alcoholics is not only possible but preferable.

I always describe the change in my life as a sense of calm or peace in my home. I also try to say that I feel 'safe'. Not that my AH was violent or scary, just that I always knew my feelings could be hurt by him at any time. Now I feel safe from those endless disappointments and arguments.
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