you aren't alone....I have enough self-loathing for both of us and 1/2 my block too.
I spent 6 months hating myself and drinking heavier and heavier...it didn't help and I hated myself more....every avenue i tried seemed like another failure.
after 40 sober days, I actually like myself some days and feel hopeful...being sober is not a cure all (for me), but it is much better for the long run and less damaging to my psyche...i am kinder to myself.