I guess it would be easier to move on if I wasn't a prisoner in this place I call home!! I live overseas in the Middle East and I HATE it......I dread leaving my house, they drive like maniacs, the city is so congested and full of expiate Indian, Pakistan etc men that don't just gawk but eye rape you....if that makes sense!! It just creeps me out....being a tall, blond, American doesn't help!! I feel like a neon sign walking around here!! I completely understand why the women wear the black cover-up from head to toe!!
I try to go weekly to a neighbors house for a sewing group but just because our husbands work together does NOT mean we are going to be friends! A couple of them are so negative and dreary that I just dread going even though I love the other positive, motivated ladies!! It is fun to share our projects and get ideas from each other!! I also find a couple of them to be nosy, very judgmental and know everything, so I avoid conversation!! UUghghh!!! My day consists of sewing 8-10 hours a day (which I love creating quilts for my loved ones) but I just need more! We normally scuba dive every weekend but the weather has been off and the water still a bit chilly!! I am sure once we are back to diving regular, I will feel better!!
I was suppose to go to work once the construction began on this project here but that didn't work out, they offered me 1/4 of what I made in the states, now I wish I would of taken it just to get out of the house and away from my neighbors......the opportunity is gone now! I had gone back to school at 32, got the degree, then got "the perfect" office job! Made more money per hour then I ever had.....as a single mother I was so proud of myself. I had even bought my very first brand new house!! Then I married the boss and moved overseas, quit my job, sold the house and feel like I gave up my identity. I think I resent my husband for that!! We have been together for 10 years, married 5....I would say I have everything I could ever want or need, I have visited 22 countries and 56 cities in the last 5 years....and have scuba dived in some exotic places! But I have come to realize that I really don't like to travel, I am just not interested in other parts of the world (or maybe I have just done too much).......my heart is in Texas! That is where I belong and want to be!! Please, don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for my husband giving me this opportunity to see these places and so much that I would of never had to courage to do on my own ......I really believe it has helped me grow so much as a person. I am just ready to go home!! I also love my husband very much, he seems to be the only person I care to hang out with!
I also find that I have no joy from anything. I don't believe in anything.....I avoid everything!! I don't want to hear folks long drawn out stories (like mine at this moment..thank you for reading!), I actually don't want to talk to anyone! When folks make plans with me, it sounds good at the time but when the day comes to go, I back out or don't answer the phone. Now that I am sober my life just feels empty and the past keeps running through my head! I know that will all change when we move back to the states which should be in 5 mths!!! Oh how I am counting down the days until I can start living again!! I miss my children so much and the little every day hum drum things that can so easily be taken for granted!! I will also seek out a sponsor, go to AA meetings and work the steps!! We should of already moved back to the states but there have been so many delays on the project so we are still here!! I long for a home, a yard to plant flowers, Sunday dinners with my kids and never getting on another airplane!! I am exhausted!
Could I be depressed? I was so happy to be off all meds (my choice) but maybe I should still be on the Cymbalta they prescribed me in rehab Nov. 2008. I was on it for 1 year. I guess I was questioning whether I needed it anymore and I don't have a psychiatrist here (even though there are some)!! I feel doctors prescribe meds every time we have a sad emotion......so I question if it is true "depression"? I think I have just convinced myself to take this information to a doctor here and let them decide!
Well, I just needed a safe place to let those words go so maybe they will no longer have power over me!! Overall, I am happy to be on Day 84, no cravings.....anytime the thought comes to mind, a horrid memory pops up to remove any desires to drink! We have a social tonight with friends that I haven't told yet that I quit drinking, I am not too worried today how folks feel about my "not" drinking....it's my choice and my right!
I wish every one a successful, sober day!!