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The past is tormenting me!

Old 03-25-2010, 12:55 AM
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The past is tormenting me!

Day 84 and just feeling like this is the way of life now but I can not quiet the past! How I have hurt others, bad behaviors etc. Everyday they just haunt me.......
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:17 AM
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What has happened has happened.
Try to leave it behind you and concentrate on the future where you won't be hurting people and doing bad things.
You are only hurting yourself by living in the past.
It has no use.
Wish you well.
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:39 AM
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I guess it would be easier to move on if I wasn't a prisoner in this place I call home!! I live overseas in the Middle East and I HATE it......I dread leaving my house, they drive like maniacs, the city is so congested and full of expiate Indian, Pakistan etc men that don't just gawk but eye rape you....if that makes sense!! It just creeps me out....being a tall, blond, American doesn't help!! I feel like a neon sign walking around here!! I completely understand why the women wear the black cover-up from head to toe!!

I try to go weekly to a neighbors house for a sewing group but just because our husbands work together does NOT mean we are going to be friends! A couple of them are so negative and dreary that I just dread going even though I love the other positive, motivated ladies!! It is fun to share our projects and get ideas from each other!! I also find a couple of them to be nosy, very judgmental and know everything, so I avoid conversation!! UUghghh!!! My day consists of sewing 8-10 hours a day (which I love creating quilts for my loved ones) but I just need more! We normally scuba dive every weekend but the weather has been off and the water still a bit chilly!! I am sure once we are back to diving regular, I will feel better!!

I was suppose to go to work once the construction began on this project here but that didn't work out, they offered me 1/4 of what I made in the states, now I wish I would of taken it just to get out of the house and away from my neighbors......the opportunity is gone now! I had gone back to school at 32, got the degree, then got "the perfect" office job! Made more money per hour then I ever had.....as a single mother I was so proud of myself. I had even bought my very first brand new house!! Then I married the boss and moved overseas, quit my job, sold the house and feel like I gave up my identity. I think I resent my husband for that!! We have been together for 10 years, married 5....I would say I have everything I could ever want or need, I have visited 22 countries and 56 cities in the last 5 years....and have scuba dived in some exotic places! But I have come to realize that I really don't like to travel, I am just not interested in other parts of the world (or maybe I have just done too much).......my heart is in Texas! That is where I belong and want to be!! Please, don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for my husband giving me this opportunity to see these places and so much that I would of never had to courage to do on my own ......I really believe it has helped me grow so much as a person. I am just ready to go home!! I also love my husband very much, he seems to be the only person I care to hang out with!

I also find that I have no joy from anything. I don't believe in anything.....I avoid everything!! I don't want to hear folks long drawn out stories (like mine at this moment..thank you for reading!), I actually don't want to talk to anyone! When folks make plans with me, it sounds good at the time but when the day comes to go, I back out or don't answer the phone. Now that I am sober my life just feels empty and the past keeps running through my head! I know that will all change when we move back to the states which should be in 5 mths!!! Oh how I am counting down the days until I can start living again!! I miss my children so much and the little every day hum drum things that can so easily be taken for granted!! I will also seek out a sponsor, go to AA meetings and work the steps!! We should of already moved back to the states but there have been so many delays on the project so we are still here!! I long for a home, a yard to plant flowers, Sunday dinners with my kids and never getting on another airplane!! I am exhausted!

Could I be depressed? I was so happy to be off all meds (my choice) but maybe I should still be on the Cymbalta they prescribed me in rehab Nov. 2008. I was on it for 1 year. I guess I was questioning whether I needed it anymore and I don't have a psychiatrist here (even though there are some)!! I feel doctors prescribe meds every time we have a sad emotion......so I question if it is true "depression"? I think I have just convinced myself to take this information to a doctor here and let them decide!

Well, I just needed a safe place to let those words go so maybe they will no longer have power over me!! Overall, I am happy to be on Day 84, no cravings.....anytime the thought comes to mind, a horrid memory pops up to remove any desires to drink! We have a social tonight with friends that I haven't told yet that I quit drinking, I am not too worried today how folks feel about my "not" drinking....it's my choice and my right!

I wish every one a successful, sober day!!
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Old 03-25-2010, 03:50 AM
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InsideOut you planning to go to AA & taking the steps to AA in my experience are life altering plans, I suffered from all of the guilt & shame you speak of, the guilt & shame of our past you speak of are addressed directly in the steps & as I progressed thru them I came to understand the promise "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door upon it."

The past guilt & shame has taken many an alcoholic back to drinking unless they learn how to deal with it & actually turn it into something that can help others recover. The steps & the fellowship take care of this. Yes it is initially a tough thing to do, but if we want long term sobriety we are willing to do what ever it takes.

I can share that doing my 4th & 5th steps were the real beginning of freedom from my past guilt & shame that ate me alive for many of my drinking years. I found that by taking the steps with my sponsor I learned who I really was, how to clean up the wreckage from my past, what I need to change about me, this resulted in me being freed of the obsession to drink.

If you go to the AA home page there are links to a part of the AA fellowship that is just for people like you that are in isolated places without meetings. Check it out, get an online sponsor for now until you get back state side.
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:01 AM
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Hey Taz,

Thanks so much, I didn't realize there were online sponsors!! I am going to check that out right away!!

I did work through to step 9 while I was in rehab, really getting some relief from step 4 & 5 but I believe I have created some more wreckage in the past year that needs some letting go!!
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Old 03-25-2010, 05:02 AM
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I also have a problem 'letting go' of the past. My mind knows it doesn't help to beat myself up over the past but my heart and soul are still bothered by the wrongs I did.

Could I be depressed?
See your doctor/shrink if at all possible. I'm on antidepressants and they help me a lot more, work a lot better now that I'm sober.
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Old 03-25-2010, 05:19 AM
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I appreciate this post. I have been having the same issues. I just recently started attending AA meetings, but haven't started working the steps yet. I am happy to know that working the steps can help with providing relief. I have also recently started counselling and seeing my doctor and am starting to see results from that as well.

It is also helpful to know I am not alone in dealling with this issue and that there are others who have dealt with it in the past.
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Old 03-25-2010, 05:41 AM
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Least in reading your post I see that I left out that it would be a good idea for InsideOut to try & find a therapist or shrink familiar with alcoholism & or drug addiction.

The reason I say "familiar with alcoholism & or drug addiction" is if a therapist is not familiar with alcoholism & or drug addiction they may come to the wrong conclusion on whether or not the depression is situational or chemical imbalances in the brain.

In AA we learn that Dr.s of all types should be involved in our recovery when needed.

BTW InsideOut I am not sure how online sponsorship works exactly, I do know that in the early days of AA there were folks that were successfully sponsored & taken thru the steps using snail mail!!!

AA works if we WORK it!!!

InsideOut I am not sure exactly where you are at, but you may be pleasantly surprised to find AA meetings near you. There are very few places these days that do not have some.

If you want to send me a PM with the city/country you are in I will see if there are any near to you.
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:02 AM
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InsideOut,

Just like you, I was full of the resentment and fear you express in your post. I was haunted by my past.

As the result of a thorough 4th and 5th Step with a knowledgeable sponsor, I haven't had to be dominated by that resentment and fear for quite some time. Some of the darkest things in my past are my greatest asset in helping others. Something to think about.
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:08 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

It does sound like you could be depressed. Your behaviour of making plans and then cancelling them was something that I did often. I do take meds for depression and they help, so I will continue to take them. The best thing is to talk to your dr and get his/her opinion.
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:10 AM
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Old 03-25-2010, 09:04 AM
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Hello Insideout,

I could feel your despair through your post. My best friend is going through the same thing with being removed from family and wanting to go back home.

She does realize, however, that her time here has taught her to really appreciate what she has back home and how much she took things (even really little things) for granted. If it weren't for her making this move, she never would've learned those lessons and she's grateful for it.

It "sounds" like your despair is more situational. Would you feel this down and empty if you were back in Texas with family and friends around?

I believe that regret is about the past, fear is about the future. Staying stuck on the past keeps us from moving forward. Whoever you talk to (dr or online sponsor), hopefully they can help you to find a way to forgive yourself about the past and move on.

I agree with you that your sobriety is your own business - I wouldn't share it in what is a "temporary" social circle - esp. if there's already a feeling of too much judgement being cast - no need to risk having the sewing gals catch wind of it.

Congrats on your sober time. 5 months will fly by. Let the fact that where you're at right now geographically is not forever - that might help sustain you till you get back home. Take care.
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Old 03-25-2010, 09:37 AM
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I met a woman at AA who lived very isolated overseas and there were no meetings in her area. She attended online AA meetings. I don't know the details but I'm guessing that you could start your search by visiting various AA websites.
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Old 03-26-2010, 12:46 AM
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Thank you all so much for the encouragement. Just visiting SR has lifted my spirits, it is comforting to talk to people that just understand!! All of these temporary friends here will never get it so I don't bother investing any "real" time with them. I just try to put on a fake happy face and be kind because our husband work together.....ya know, that S**T is old after 5 years!!

I know for a fact that I will be much happier when we move back to Texas. My children are looking forward to eating at Mom's regularly! They miss my cooking and I miss feeding them!! We "were" very active cyclists, with many good friends that ride every weekend. I miss that so much! We also have a 2 seater kayak that I am looking forward to paddling around the Texas lakes again! All of this fun stuff in storage! Grrrrrrr I guess I just don't have enough physical activity here and going to the gym bores me to no end plus I have lost my desire to do anything outside the house.....yep, depressed!!!! Oh, well, 5 mths and I can get back to the people and the activities I love!!

I am going to check out an online sponsor/AA group! And I am going to make an appt. with a doc so I can get back on anti-depressants, so hopefully these last 5 mths can be bearable!

Thanks again so much, I want to send a cyber hugzzzzz to you ALL!!
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Old 03-26-2010, 01:10 AM
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There's been some great advice here InsideOut...nothing more I can say really - just wanted to add my support

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