Jo,
I'm sorry the hits don't seem to stop coming. It seems so unfair, I know.
I'm gonna give it to you straight here tho - Aussie to Aussie.
I've never lost a sibling. I've never lost anyone physically - but I started on my drinking career in earnest over a breakup and the loss of a fiancée, so that kind of grief is not totally unknown to me.
Drinking is the worst thing you can do to get over grief because it actually stops the grieving process..you keep reaching for the same stupid solution in a bottle because it's the only thing that kinda works...but all it really does is help make a little holding pattern where you never really get to start processing things..you never start to get through things...you just let the same things go over and over in your head...
and the only thing that kinda works is the bottle....
see how insidious and circular it is?
I've read your posts here for a long time. No sister could have done more Jo. Any guilt or worthlessness or hopelessness you might feeling is so misplaced. You have so much to offer - still.
Some of us alcoholics just get so deep in our holding patterns we can't see the forest for the trees - some of us are lucky and we break out of the spiral and recover....but I never forget those who didn't.
Don't let the bottle take you too. See a counsellor, Jo. Start working through this.
And don't forget you have a board full of mates here
Hugs
D