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Old 03-15-2010, 06:03 AM
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Need A Friend

Had a call from my neice, she has found someone to rent the house and wants to know when the house will be put into her name. See, my sister died 4 months ago from liver failure.
After talking to her it once again killed my spirit and I just fell in a heap. Now whos the alcoholic. ME i think! Since she died 4 months ago I have been drinking every night and now I cant even think about not having it. Help me please, Im so crushed by all of this, I keep thinking about the day I found her and how her life has just gone by and been wasted by alcohol. Yet, Im the one drinking now and not caring about what it is doing to me. All I can focus on is her dead body, her life gone at 41, her house empty as all my relatives have taken everything. I cant bear this and the fact her life is over. I miss having a sister and dont know how to deal with it. How will i keep living the rest of my life without her. She was all I had (drunk or otherwise) and I keep thinking she will call, but knowing it isnt going to happen.
How on earth do I pass all of this.
The hardest part is that I keep seeing her face, the day I found her, dead, cold and yellow. Trying to bring her back and then realizing she had gone. This picture in my head, oh god, why did he take her, its just not fair.
Joanne
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Old 03-15-2010, 06:10 AM
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I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. But will drinking help anything? It won't bring her back and tho it may temporarily drown out your awareness, in the end it will be doing you great harm. There's nothing so bad that alcohol can't make it worse. :ghug3
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Old 03-15-2010, 06:32 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this, justjo. I understand how it feels, trust me. The thing is...least is right. You drinking is not going to make anything better and could make things so much worse. I know how unfair it all seems, but I'm sure your sister would want you to take care of yourself. She is no longer suffering and soon, your memories will be of the happy times you had together.

Perhaps finding a grief counselor or group would help. Just talking to people who have been exactly where you are might help. They could make suggestions on how to deal with the pain you are feeling and move on with your life.

It's just a suggestion. In any case, please, stop drinking and take care of yourself. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 03-15-2010, 06:44 AM
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Isnt it funny,. I was the one for so many years trying to get her to stop drinking, all the crap we went through together, the crying together, the screaming at each other and after all those years I had to find her dead, gone. Not fair. It just isnt right that a bottle of booze took her life, destroyed it in fact. Now I just cant accept it and I guess drinking is helping me dull the pain. Help
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Old 03-15-2010, 07:05 AM
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Hi Joanne

Wow i am sorry for your loss, must be terrible!

Have you thought about going to a grief counselor, a friend of mine in AA went when she lost her mother, when she was drinking everyday, all day, actually and it did help...it actually turned out that the grief counselor was in AA but that's a different story.

Have you thought about going to an AA meeting, i always thought that i had to have some kind of epiphany before i went to AA, kind of like i'll go when i stop drinking for a week...that kind of insane thinking and i was wrong...maybe you will feel like no-one will understand but at the very least you have a room full of people who are alcoholics/problem drinkers and will welcome you and be some kind of company for you if only for that hour...maybe think about it, can it hurt any?

Take care

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Old 03-15-2010, 07:23 AM
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Justjo, that sounds like a very tough situation and am very sorry for your loss. I have dealt with the loss of a close family memeber twice in my life. The first time I didn't drink and the second time (3 years ago) I was drinking a ton. All I can say is my emotions / feeling were much more rational when I didn't drink. Not to say it was anywhere close to easy I'm just saying, looking back, when drinking it wrecked me.

Again, not a solution to the issue because dealing with this is so hard no matter what you do, but the booze, for me, made dealing with it so much worse.

Best of luck, hang in there...
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Old 03-15-2010, 07:27 AM
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Drinking only dulls the pain for a while... and when the pain comes back, it's worse, coupled with the regret and sickness that comes from drinking. Please talk to your doctor about quitting. Medical help can ease the withdrawals and make them safer for you. Please get help. I care.
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Old 03-15-2010, 07:46 AM
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My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I pray that God gives you the strength to keep your sister's memory and honor her by not drinking. Do you have anyone that you can talk to (family, friends), and be honest with them that you need help? When I finally told my mom and husband i needed help, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. This is all new to me. Since Friday I have been sober....thank you God. I am going through withdrawals, and this weekend was hell, but thank goodness I had help. Please honor your sister by trying to stop drinking. You are already halfway there....you are asking for help. You are strong...please love yourself.
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Old 03-15-2010, 05:07 PM
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I strongly suggest you get out of the bottle
and into AA. Then....look for a greif support
group in your area.

Please quit destroying your life with alcohol.
You don't have to let this drinking continue.

To be safe....ask your doctor how best to de tox.
Perhaps a in patient treatment center?
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Old 03-16-2010, 07:23 AM
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Sad to hear that you've returned to drinking as a way to cope with this.

A very close friend and sponsee brother died Saturday. The man was coming up on sixteen years clean and had touched the lives of thousands during his process of recovery. He had helped me in ways that will continue to prove themselves in my recovery and in my life. The pain was very intense and the emotional upheaval overwhelming. It got even greater when members shared how much they will miss him and how much he meant to them. i had always wondered how i would get thru something of this magnitude and now i am getting experience with that. i had hoped that God would help me find the spiritual tools to deal with this kind of situation and He has. i thought about the strength of my recovery & how i could chose not to run from my feelings and i am continuing to embrace them. Is my heart hurting in new ways...yes. Is my soul mourning the loss of this beautiful man who meant so much to me...yes. Is my spirit saddened that i will no longer be able to ask him for his help...yes. Am i going thru withdrawls from not seeing him at meetings...yes. Am i reminded of how i feel everytime i share about it...yes. Am i still clean & sober...Damn straight!

So when you think you can't do something and must return to a lifestyle that never really worked in the first place...think again! i hope at some point the pain of your insanity drives you back to a program of recovery, that has it's roots in the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions. If you want to isolate with your pain as a reason for continued drinking, so be it. One thing that has always been proven to be true is that, "Pain shared is pain lessened". i appreciate you coming here to be honest about how you are feeling and i pray that you will make it back into the rooms to help others get thru circumstances like this.
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Old 03-16-2010, 03:06 PM
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Today my whole body feels numb. Yesterday I found out my partner of 14yrs prefers other women.
Just when I thought my whole world was falling apart, another kick in the head. Oh well, Ive got use to this over all these years I guess.
Strange thing though, even though this one hurts too, I dont feel that ugly anymore. Tears a few, yep, drank myself to sleep (it helped). Something else to focus on instead of my sisters death? Oh no, I wont do that either. Just somebody else I cant trust again.
Sat outside in the dark at 4am this morning wondering whether I caused any of this. What was I doing wrong? No one on this planet I can trust to talk to and Ill have to continue on my own, like I did when I was a kid.
But Im not sure if I want to do this anymore. I'll think about it.
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:11 PM
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Jo .. big huggles first ...

You said they took everything .. but they didnt , in you heart and mind you have many wonderful memories now one can ever take those from you
secondly .. your sister wasnt taken , she was accepted into a place where shes not in pain and she happy .but you know as well as the rest of us here on SR , the last thing she wants to watch from where shes at is you distroying your life because of something she didnt get help for . YOU have a chance to make a choice and do something bout it , the pain will always be there its not gonna go away , but it will get less and less . My daughter has been gone 6 yrs tomarrow ... she just turned 6 on the 13th of this month .. giving a 4 day old infant CPR while there cold and blue . will always leave an impressed image in my mind . this last week is the hardest part in the yr for me . the what if's ect get the best of me .
I have stayed sober since b4 her passing and continue to stay sober , hard you bet'yah but theres no amount of booze or drugs or anything that will change that day . I have very lil to reflect on in ways of memeories , you said she was 41 .. thats 41 yrs of memeories , I wish there was a magic potion to make things all better for you . but being inside the bottle only makes things way worse then they already are .. it wont be easy Jo .. but your stronger then you relize, you just have to want it bad enuff and reach out and ask for help , treatment detox perfessional grief help .. what ever it takes to get Joe back on her toes , so you can honnor your sisters memories and not drown them , I know you dont wanna have another family memeber feeling the way you do , because they found you in the same boat , Joe if you ever wanna talk , Im just a pvt message away all you gotta do is type and hit send Huggles and prayers for strength Endzy
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:31 PM
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Hi Jo,

I am really sorry about the loss of your sister and the pain that you feel. Life is just really hard sometimes. Use this time to look at yourself and where you are going. Know that your sister would want you to get well. She would want you to stop drinking and take care of yourself. You can't change what has happened, but you can change yourself.
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:47 PM
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Jo,
I'm sorry the hits don't seem to stop coming. It seems so unfair, I know.

I'm gonna give it to you straight here tho - Aussie to Aussie.

I've never lost a sibling. I've never lost anyone physically - but I started on my drinking career in earnest over a breakup and the loss of a fiancée, so that kind of grief is not totally unknown to me.

Drinking is the worst thing you can do to get over grief because it actually stops the grieving process..you keep reaching for the same stupid solution in a bottle because it's the only thing that kinda works...but all it really does is help make a little holding pattern where you never really get to start processing things..you never start to get through things...you just let the same things go over and over in your head...

and the only thing that kinda works is the bottle....

see how insidious and circular it is?

I've read your posts here for a long time. No sister could have done more Jo. Any guilt or worthlessness or hopelessness you might feeling is so misplaced. You have so much to offer - still.

Some of us alcoholics just get so deep in our holding patterns we can't see the forest for the trees - some of us are lucky and we break out of the spiral and recover....but I never forget those who didn't.

Don't let the bottle take you too. See a counsellor, Jo. Start working through this.

And don't forget you have a board full of mates here

Hugs
D

Last edited by Dee74; 03-16-2010 at 05:57 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:30 PM
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Thanks for reminding me I have mates here. Right now I feel like there is not one person on this planet that I can trust or go to. But just being able to come in here and spill my guts, helps. It sure does. I really do need someone, anyone, a friend right now. Its horrible feeling so alone.

But, I am going to try really hard not to go to that 'fridge' tonight and have a cup of tea instead. I'll just imagine my sister yelling at me and telling me off, hows that?
Jo
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:39 PM
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have an extra tim tam with that tea - on me

D
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:59 AM
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Healing hugs for you justjo,
My brother is very, very sick right now. His pancreas and liver have quit working because of the stupid alcohol. I will have one full year of sobriety on the 22nd and I don't want anything to screw that up.
This is what I ask myself: If I pick up a drink, will Michael put his down? We all know the answer to that.
I have been telling myself for the last four months that all I can really do is pray for him and set an example. I got a friend from AA to go with me to visit him and I gave him a copy of the "big book". That is ALL I can do.
Guess what happened? He called me two weeks ago and said he had called the VA hospital in his state and asked them to get him a bed in detox. That is a miracle.
Because he is so very sick physically, I do not know what the future holds for him. When he gets to go home (and he lives alone) will he start right back up again? I don't know the answer to that one either.
What I DO know is I don't want to go back to where I was a year ago and if I pick up right now it won't help him one little bit.
I ask God to take care of him and to help me through another 24 hours every day. I also ask God to help me stay sober no matter what I may have to face that day.
God bless you and keep you. Please try some of the suggestions on here: meetings, grief counselor, etc... and post again soon so we all know you are hanging in there!
With Love and Serenity,

Red

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Old 03-17-2010, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
have an extra tim tam with that tea - on me

D
You made me smile Dee! thanks. Some one who knows Tim Tams, how cool.
I have had that cup of tea and its 9.40pm and not a drink yet. Im thinking about it but staying strong. Had no appetite today, just cant stomache the thought of food. Just lied on the lounge somewhat sad, it will pass I guess.

Wish I had a timtam though, could stomache one of those.
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:20 AM
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Thanks SCRedhead for your kind words. I dont know you but I wish you so much for you and your brother. I feel your pain hun, hang in their and keep in touch if you want to. I know how you feel.
Luvya Jo
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:23 AM
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Thanks Endz so much, I do have many memories of her, she was beautiful you know and we were pretty close. I guess the hardest part for me is that I wont grow old with her, Ill be alone, Ill miss her laugh and the telephone calls.
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