Sad to hear that you've returned to drinking as a way to cope with this.
A very close friend and sponsee brother died Saturday. The man was coming up on sixteen years clean and had touched the lives of thousands during his process of recovery. He had helped me in ways that will continue to prove themselves in my recovery and in my life. The pain was very intense and the emotional upheaval overwhelming. It got even greater when members shared how much they will miss him and how much he meant to them. i had always wondered how i would get thru something of this magnitude and now i am getting experience with that. i had hoped that God would help me find the spiritual tools to deal with this kind of situation and He has. i thought about the strength of my recovery & how i could chose not to run from my feelings and i am continuing to embrace them. Is my heart hurting in new ways...yes. Is my soul mourning the loss of this beautiful man who meant so much to me...yes. Is my spirit saddened that i will no longer be able to ask him for his help...yes. Am i going thru withdrawls from not seeing him at meetings...yes. Am i reminded of how i feel everytime i share about it...yes. Am i still clean & sober...Damn straight!
So when you think you can't do something and must return to a lifestyle that never really worked in the first place...think again! i hope at some point the pain of your insanity drives you back to a program of recovery, that has it's roots in the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions. If you want to isolate with your pain as a reason for continued drinking, so be it. One thing that has always been proven to be true is that, "Pain shared is pain lessened". i appreciate you coming here to be honest about how you are feeling and i pray that you will make it back into the rooms to help others get thru circumstances like this.