Judgement/detachment
Okay, so I'm working really hard to detach from my A, literally and figuratively. As you know we're doing the month-long "break" thing and now we haven't had contact at all for a week. I feel better emotionally, physically, spiritually. All good.
But I'm having this problem that might be related to black/white thinking. See, I can't figure out how to detach and be okay with that. I'm reading along in CNM and am reading the section on detachment, but can't seem to find a nice balance between honoring myself, detaching, yet still having hope for the alcoholic w/o judging myself for not being patient enough, not trying harder, etc.
I know this is all about my relationship with myself at it's core, and I'm working on that every day. But I'm still struggling to sort it out in a way that I can make peace with it. Does that make sense? Some of it is about fear: what if my A shows up at that next counseling appointment, is acting all enlightened, and does that make me "a bad person" for not opening up the possibility for reconciliation at that time? "Should" I try again? What if recovery has begun (though that's not likely, since my A is absolutely convinced that "moderation" is the key here)?
I'm vacillating between lots of intense emotions: anger at the various inappropriate situations that came up in the relationship (I can't seem to get over the affair my A had with someone who was married just before we got together, and all the crap that came into our relationship as a result), missing the emotional connection I felt in the relationship, me being totally angry about the manipulations, then remembering the love I feel...argh. That gets tiring in and of itself. I want to let go of that, to detach from all of that.
And, how will I forgive myself for walking away after that next appointment when I really think my A will want me to re-engage? How can I acknowledge all the work they are doing on themselves (and I have seen evidence of this, when in pain it's amazing what gets accomplished) w/o feeling like that means I also need to return to the relationship to really "be sure"? I feel like I am sure this is not a healthy relationship for me, and couldn't be healthy for me in the near future, but the therapist's words to encourage me to continue in this process are haunting me. I'm not one to give up easily, but I want to know when to walk away and I want to try to feel peaceful about that within myself. Help.
posie