Judgement/detachment

Old 03-13-2010, 11:45 AM
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Judgement/detachment

Okay, so I'm working really hard to detach from my A, literally and figuratively. As you know we're doing the month-long "break" thing and now we haven't had contact at all for a week. I feel better emotionally, physically, spiritually. All good.

But I'm having this problem that might be related to black/white thinking. See, I can't figure out how to detach and be okay with that. I'm reading along in CNM and am reading the section on detachment, but can't seem to find a nice balance between honoring myself, detaching, yet still having hope for the alcoholic w/o judging myself for not being patient enough, not trying harder, etc.

I know this is all about my relationship with myself at it's core, and I'm working on that every day. But I'm still struggling to sort it out in a way that I can make peace with it. Does that make sense? Some of it is about fear: what if my A shows up at that next counseling appointment, is acting all enlightened, and does that make me "a bad person" for not opening up the possibility for reconciliation at that time? "Should" I try again? What if recovery has begun (though that's not likely, since my A is absolutely convinced that "moderation" is the key here)?

I'm vacillating between lots of intense emotions: anger at the various inappropriate situations that came up in the relationship (I can't seem to get over the affair my A had with someone who was married just before we got together, and all the crap that came into our relationship as a result), missing the emotional connection I felt in the relationship, me being totally angry about the manipulations, then remembering the love I feel...argh. That gets tiring in and of itself. I want to let go of that, to detach from all of that.

And, how will I forgive myself for walking away after that next appointment when I really think my A will want me to re-engage? How can I acknowledge all the work they are doing on themselves (and I have seen evidence of this, when in pain it's amazing what gets accomplished) w/o feeling like that means I also need to return to the relationship to really "be sure"? I feel like I am sure this is not a healthy relationship for me, and couldn't be healthy for me in the near future, but the therapist's words to encourage me to continue in this process are haunting me. I'm not one to give up easily, but I want to know when to walk away and I want to try to feel peaceful about that within myself. Help.

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Old 03-13-2010, 12:27 PM
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One thing that might help is if you can see that there is really a dance between the alcoholic and a codependent partner that keeps both parties engaged in the insanity. You both need time to step away from the dance and focus on yourselves or you'll be stuck in the dance forever. You expending all your energy on him keeps him stuck right where he is, and him expending all his energy on alcohol keeps you right where you are. Separating may result in a permanent end to the relationship, but the way I see it, it's also the only way the relationship has any hope for being transformed into a healthy one for most couples. You have to learn a new dance all on your own and when you've got your dance moves down to where you're just walking down the street doing your new dance moves, then you'll see whether your style matches up with his. You can do a dance-off. LOL. We'll all be your back-up dancers. This is Thrill-AH! Thrill-AH...

Obviously I'm feeling silly today.
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Old 03-13-2010, 12:28 PM
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When I have one foot in yesterday, and another foot in tomorrow, I'm in perfect position to p*ss all over today.

Future-tripping, and making decisions based on fear that came out of that future-tripping always ended up being extremely painful choices for me.

My last codependent relapse was fear-based, and I managed to make a fair mess of things, and hurt people in the process.

I have to remember to stay in the moment, to live in today. That's really all any of us have, no?

I have a different take than a lot of people when it comes to hope. For me, hope is an an emotion based on the possible outcome of future events (I hope my daughter gets clean/sober). There is a very good chance I will be disappointed and hurt in the end.

After 17 years of the same old same old from my 32 year old AD, I don't have hope.

What I have is faith, faith that God has a plan for her just as he has had/does have for me, and I feel good about that.

I don't base my actions on what she is/isn't doing, what she might/might not do.

I don't base my actions on her, period.

I base my actions on what is best for me as I move forward in my recovery, and strive to be a little bit better every day.

I have to take care of me first and foremost, and sometimes that has meant cutting the ties with people who were toxic to my recovery.
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Old 03-14-2010, 05:21 AM
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When I get into the realms of "what if, maybe I/he will, perhaps I/he should, if I do/don't do", all I end up with is stress, bewilderment and indecision. I cannot predict what will happen, just have guesses and 90% of those guesses do not eventuate, but they worry the hell out of me for a while.

Detachment to me, is giving others their right to make choices and decisions for them, whether I like what they decide or not. I have the same right to choose otherwise for me, and act for my good.

I have enough worries relating to my life, as I wish to live it....without spending time worrying how others choose to live theirs.

If what they want impacts badly on me then I get out of their way, or keep contact to the minimum.

It is so much nicer and easier for all that way, and I need not be involved with anything or anyone who puts my peace of mind or health at risk anymore.

God bless
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Old 03-14-2010, 12:34 PM
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I can really relate to your question. I have had similar decisions to make. One of my big character defects is procrastination, so I don't like to be pinned down to one answer if I still have indecision.

This last time we decided to live together again. It was really him pushing to come back "home". I made and have stuck to some boundaries this time. I decided that I was ready to try reconciliation, but if he crossed my boundaries then it was time for him to leave or to renegotiate the boundary.

I have trouble with the black and white thinking too.

One thing I've tried to ask myself is: Is this a good decision for today? I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow. What do I want to do today?

I do know that the answer is there for you. You already know what it is you'd like to do.

Also you can put the decision off by simply stating that: I'm not ready to make a decision right now. Sometimes it helps to stay in the present and just make a decision for this day. I hope this helps.

I'm confident that you will make the best decision whatever you choose!
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Old 03-14-2010, 03:32 PM
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It seems to me from reading your post that you KNOW what you want (and what you don't want) but you perhaps are afraid that going to this counseling session might change your mind. You know, YOU know BEST what is best for you and if you think you will let these other people talk you into something else, it is OK for you not to go.
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Old 03-14-2010, 04:23 PM
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Ah, yes, yes, the future-tripping, Freedom. True enough. And Jadmack I really like what you say about detachment. I can get a grip on that! I'm getting there, beginning to actually get excited about letting others make their own decisions, and really enjoying making my OWN decisions, too! It's the extra piece I'm stumbling over: how to manage having an intimate relationship with someone and still being okay with their choices that I might disagree with. I've not been able to manage that in my life thus far w/o judging myself for not "saving" or "seeing the potential" in the other person--the fear that I will give up on the wonderful aspects of the relationship too soon.

wanting, I want to see a Thrill-ah video like that one!! Please!

cymbal and L2L, I'm hearing that you see my answer in my words, and really appreciate what you say about giving myself permission to do what's right for me. I'm still in the fear. I can't imagine NOT going to this next counseling appointment, and yet you're right, L2L, I have a choice here. And there's still time, it's not like I have to make an appointment today (it's still unscheduled at this point), and I don't have decide anything right now.

Deeper still into the fear is the thought, "what if I don't know how to have a connected intimate relationship without the drama?" Maybe that's what I need to get to. I've been meditating on the 3rd step, guess I still need more work there.

Thanks for your responses...I'd love to hear more about this topic, it feels really "stuck" inside of me right now.

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