pushingmeaway
I did this same thing you're doing with an ex. Trying desperately to find a answer to something. Same disorder.
Reflecting back. It was just too painful for me to just accept that it wasn't going to work out. It was just my way of dealing with the pain. I don't mean to be harsh at all. But you're pretty still emotionally attached to him - So goes your nickname: pushingmeaway.
This was me.
It wasn't about HIM at all. What happened to ME was that I turned into an obessesive love person. There's some articles - "stickies" in the relationship section. I went through Obesessive love disorder. That's who I used to be! Turn it around to being about you. It helps.