pushingmeaway

Hi,
I recently came to the conclusion that my ex-A is most likely a sociopath or something along those lines. Although it's hard to accept that I most likely was used from the very beginning, it also gives me a lot of closure about the situation, which is mainly what I've been looking for since I've realized something besides the addiction was very wrong. I think that the sociopath disorder is overlooked, especially when it comes to dealing with addicts, because a lot of stories I've been hearing sound so close to mine, yet not once have I heard the term sociopath or psychopath. Although I understand most of it, and I know that they do not feel like others feel and they do come first, I still wonder if it's completely true. Many of the sites I found say that they experience absolutely no emotions and are soul-less, and only pretend to feel to get to their victim. I definitely agree wtih this to an extent, but there are times where I feel that I catch an occasional glimpse of his true self. There are very infrequent moments where everythign comes pouring out, and I can not accept that these are insincere. Maybe I am being naive, and whatever the case may be, I have accepted that I can do nothing about this disorder except keep myself safe and distance myself. Anyways, I was just wondering if there are any people out there dealing with this kind of person or disorder themself. I would appreciate hearing other stories of people going through this, and if there are any anti-socials on the board, I would really appreciate them giving their point of view into the matter. Thanks a lot.

shutterbug

this sounds just like my ex-alcoholic. I feel for you b/c I know how loving he can pretend to be. These people at good at getting us hooked on them and sometimes it ends up destroying us (all the while, we are thinking that we can save them - But we can't!).

mine even would tell that he is a sociopath, that he didn't really feel emotions. And I would have believed him b/c he was very conviencing about not feeling emotions and treated women very badly, but when he was drunk he became human again. He even broke down sobing in tears one night when I was talking to him about the son he has who he never gets to see.

So is he a sociopath or isn't he? I don't know. All I know is that he TREATED ME LIKE HE WAS ONE!!!

Getting away from him nearly killed me b/c I truely though i loved him more than the world or even myself. I nearly took my own life b/c he had broken my heart so devestatingly.

but no man is worth any of that.

i am a different person now. I got into alanon and then started going into treatment myself. TO FIX ME. i don't want to be co-dependent anymore and I am doing everything in my power to stay away from this destructive person who was once the love of my life and the only man for me. I'm 28 and he's the only man I've ever said that I would have married him and had a child with him if he would ask.

well, he wanted a kid with me, but he didn't love me and didn't' want to marry me and I refused to have a child with someone who doesn't love me enough to stay faithful and want to marry me.

anyway, that's my soap box. maybe something here helps. I dunno.

Lov and Hugs,
Jenna

pushingmeaway

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, it did help, mostly because it helps me to understand better when other people have dealt with the same person that I have for so long. For so many years I never understood exactly what his problem was, and I think that is why I held on so long. It's kind of funny that you say he said he was basically a sociopath, yet he broke down during drinking binges. Same thing happened to me-time after time. He would tell me how he has no feelings and either doesn't care about anything, or doens't care about anyone but himself. Then there were times-either during extreme drunkeness or depression, where he would be so torn up about the way he treats people and how he has messed everything up. And I know you're completely right about it not mattering-whatever the case may be, he's doing it and I don't have to sit here and take it. I've read a lot about sociopathics, and like most things, theres a degree of controversy on certain aspects of the disorder-maybe the emotions part. I like to believe that the sociopath pushes down all their feelings and even convinces themselves they're not there, just because he can't deal with them. I simply cannot believe that these people are "soul-less", but I guess who really knows. Anyways, I'm leaving for Australia in 2 days, which I know will be good for me. I tried to say goodbye one more time today (I have finally been able to detach and feel comfortable trying without worrying about getting hurt because I know what to expect now) but it was to no avail. I know he is jealous that I'm leaving, and he is going to jail. I finally am able to let of the grudge I've been holding onto for so long, and just hope he can fix himself up, even though I really doubt it. Anyways, thanks for your input, good luck with everything in your life!

shutterbug

have fun on your trip.

I think you're right that sociopaths have the "ability" to feel and they just choose not to or don't know how to most of the time. But I don't know much on the subject really.

To be honest, I think they are people who gave up on themselves and so did God and they are left to just destroy themselves and others until (and if) they EVER decide that they are worth saving and deserve to be happy. Otherwise they are lost and can't help but cause hurt and destruction everywhere they go.

Be careful. No matter what he says, look out for YOU!! Don't let him keep hurting you.

pedagogue

Here is the diagnostic criteria for A.S.P:

Diagnostic Criteria

1. There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
.......1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
.......2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
.......3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
.......4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
.......5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others
.......6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
.......7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
2. The individual is at least age 18 years.
3. There is evidence of Conduct Disorder with onset before age 15 years.
4. The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia or a Manic Episode.

Just a note of warning: If he is truly an ASP, then he will NOT have a true ability for empathy, and no matter what he says...he will do it again. It really is scary/sad, but you have to be aware that no matter how much you want him to change....he probably won't.

-pedagogue

notme11

Just a note of warning: If he is truly an ASP, then he will NOT have a true ability for empathy, and no matter what he says...he will do it again. It really is scary/sad, but you have to be aware that no matter how much you want him to change....he probably won't.

You Are so Very Right in what you said.
I thought I was the only one. I have been beating myself up thinking it was me (he had convinced me I was crazy) I wanted to believe he cared and that he didnt mean to do such horrible things. He kept saying I would never hurt you and then in the next breath he would do it again. I am probably rambling on, I am so confused and I am very happy I came upon this site. thank you so much.

Ceres

pushingmeaway

I did this same thing you're doing with an ex. Trying desperately to find a answer to something. Same disorder.

Reflecting back. It was just too painful for me to just accept that it wasn't going to work out. It was just my way of dealing with the pain. I don't mean to be harsh at all. But you're pretty still emotionally attached to him - So goes your nickname: pushingmeaway.

This was me.

It wasn't about HIM at all. What happened to ME was that I turned into an obessesive love person. There's some articles - "stickies" in the relationship section. I went through Obesessive love disorder. That's who I used to be! Turn it around to being about you. It helps.

Freedom1990

I could definitely identify with what you are saying, Alizerin. I was the same way too.

Finally I realized I was doing myself and others a great disservice by playing armchair psychiatrist, when a diagnosis was best left to a professional.

I don't know of a single addict/alcoholic, myself included, who hasn't had at least some of the signs of a sociopath or narcissist or psychopath. That isn't what defines/diagnoses one however.

I am very careful not to loosely throw those terms around anymore, and I work very hard on looking at why I make the choices I do, and how I can continue to be a little better person each day.