Oh wow...this is a powerful thread. I'm following along with CNM and this discussion is very intense--and I mean that in a good way! The denial stuff, the "resetting of the switch" (one of my greatest fears is that I won't be able to do that, won't be able to have a healthy relationship) and what wifeofadrinker posted about how to figure out how to walk and having no idea...yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and figuring out what I want? That's a longstanding problem which has plagued my relationships. Couple that with the relationships I've chosen, wondering on some deep level why they love me (hmmm...could it be that I wanted them to give me reasons to love myself??!!), blah, blah, blah.
I woke up this morning thinking about my mother. How I somehow felt that nothing I did was good enough (also a sentiment I've had in all my romantic relationships). I can't remember my mother yelling at me often, but she would have moments when the build-up has lead to a blowout. I see now that in my marriage I wanted my passive-aggressive H to lose control, and I goaded him and goaded him and lost control myself, but he never did. In my 2 relationships since then there have been incidents where the significant other lost control, screaming at me in an enclosed space. In my most recent relationship that was last year, and I was fully, completely traumatized by it. Just last night I realized that I've tried to have a boundary around being screamed at, and my A has still done some of that and I've tried to maintain the boundary about how I'll accept being spoken to. And yet, that little kid expects it, wants it, even--making the boundary even harder to be consistent with. I'm realizing how much this has to do with my relationship with my mother. I think it's time to return to individual therapy to work on this intensely.
My Mom is an ACOA, but did she really feel that way about me--that what I did would never really be good enough? I don't have any clue. I think she probably felt (and feels) that way about herself, and me being the "perfect" child, the one who "wouldn't cause any problems", I learned it all very well.
I'm beginning to believe that I have no f**cking idea who I am. Whew. It almost feels good to say that.
pp