narayani

hi there,

ive made such a huge effort in the last two years to transform my life. it is fairly transformed but there are still big gaps i havent been able to fill. Namely that i realise i dont know how to have much fun wihtout drugs and alcohol, and being a shy person they helped me tremendously in interacting with people in the last 16 years or so.

i actively avoid all the places and most of the people i used to but my confidence hasnt really grown, so ive become rather reclusive and withdrawn/sometimes my life seems so boring, i was used to quick thrills and the exitement involved in the drug world.

i dont get many cravings to return to that life, but when they do come, i know that in that moment i could slip and probably wouldnt get out again until i was almost at the bottom of the barrell once again. I have always managed to maintain habits through dealing boyfriends, so time and time again its love or lust that starts me back......

today has been tough, i havent felt like this in a a long time. im so worryingly attracted in some moments to the life i once had, which pained me so much , but in some twisted moments seems so attractive. today it seems like the most interesting thing in the world to me,would be to go and find some person to hang out with who can support my addictive personality. its so easy to jump back into that world. that attractive world of drugs and alcohol and rich men that pay for it all. what can i tell myself in these moments?