I have to rush home and read the intro and chapter 1 tonight:
my bio, eldest child of 2 loving parents, both severely unsuited to each other by the time we kids came along, with a running verbally abusive argument that lasted all of my childhood, whilst they tried to stay together and force each other to change to meet their needs. I was taught that it was everyone's role to fix other people, to take on other's problems and make it all about me, that we are responsible for how others feel and that our worth is defined by how others percieve us. They had been taught that too, we all did the best we could given that framework.
I am passive when it comes to relationships of any kind, if you wander along and befriend me, you are my friend, I never cut ties, I never assess whether I like you, whether we share value systems, whether you are a benign or good force in my life. I have some truely wonderful friends, but some damn toxic ones too.
Significant others have therefore also been a mixed bunch.
i married and had children with an alcoholic. I was a heavy drinker and recreational drug user (but not addicted to anything), we partied together until we decided to have children, I changed my behaviour, he didn't. LONG not happy story short, I am divorcing him now, my behaviour during that marriage is not something I am proud of, I didn't like who I became. I'm not particularly keen on how I was feeling when I got into that relationship.
I like me much better now (my ex, surprisingly, can't bear me now)
Ms Beattie "does" al anon, but her book isn't al-anon, it is more direct, I prefer that, If I don't agree I can get a handle on what I don't agree with.
The term co-dependent, I use here as a short-hand, but no where else. To me it is important to remember that they're just a big old shopping list of behaviours, many of which can be grouped differently to describe other "types" of people, and most of which most people demonstrate to some degree or other. I think, as codependents, it can be all too easy to focus in on the "what's wrong with me" aspect. I know I've had to pull back from dangerous dark pits of self-loathing during this process.
hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with
this is NEVER the whole person, addict, codie, we have to remember to feel the love too
and I think that comes accross with this book (in the main).