I'm a codependent recovering love addict. I do not have "Codependent No More" but I have the other Beattie books. I only recently realized I am a love addict so it makes it easier to understand the codependency.
I'm too introverted, shy and generally low in the self image department to pursue people or even be vaguely assertive in relationships, so I usually end up with the guy who hits on *everybody*. Often that guy is just basically a big ol' addict. I ignore the addict signs because I'm so needy that I don't care and I'm not invested, but as soon as I invest *then* I start having a problem with who he is and I try to change him, usually it takes me a year or more to say something and then it quickly unravels as we discover (big surprise) that these guys have no interest in changing and why should they 1 year in?
I can definitely relate to the critical, controlling, manipulative labels. I didn't even realize that I was these things. Because to me it was so obvious that these guys would want to change to be better people -- and of course I know how to do that. NOT! I didn't see my controlling so much as controlling as it was sort of a program of making them more responsible people! I was going to "teach" my boyfriend that he should want to have a family, get health insurance, and in general strive for healthy, happy relationships that suited my agenda. After all, *he* chose *me*.
Well, I am finally learning. You don't make people what you want. You make yourself what you want and then maybe, MAYBE, you will meet someone who complements that. This is so basic. Took me 10 years to figure it out. I have wasted so much time trying to change other people with my re-education project. I'm soooooooooo done.
I have nothing wise to offer here other than my own pathetic story! Sorry!
