Thankyou
I am glad that you started this thread because I just borrowed this book from the library.
Last December my husband asked for a divorce and moved out. One month later he asked to move back in to try again. We have been to counseling since then and although some things are getting better, I started to realize that we were both doing things to sabotage our relationship. I had decided when we got back together that no matter what happened, I was going to use this time to better myself, so I started reading and searching on the internet about what could be going on and discovered this book.
It really hit home for me.
I want to be seen as an angel, the perfect one that does no wrong. And if I have to control my husband, well I get others to "push" me to act, by telling them all the ways my husband has done me wrong.
I grew up with a father who was prone to rages and a mother who was virtually non-existant. She showed love by approving of me. I learned long ago to watch people's moods and try to head those rages off at the pass. And to be as perfect as possible to get approval. So I learned to be the angel or I am not lovable. And I learned to be controlling or the rages will come. BLEH.
So I am reading this book, and learning to talk more. A new phrase for me, "Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with ..." Or "Can I help you with that?" So far, my husband has said "no, but thankyou for offering" every time. And I have felt a freedom from compulsion that I have not felt in years. My first baby step.
Mauigirl