Wow, what an awesome thread.
A bit of background on me:
I am the single child of a French Canadian woman and a Vietnamese man. Though there is a history of alcoholism in my mother's family, since my father is severely allergic to alcohol, there was never any drinking at my house, even when my father worked for Molson. Alcohol at the dinner table was a novelty, not a habit. Looking back, I have trouble figuring out how I ended up the raging codie that I am, but I think I'd have to "point the finger" at my mother, who does go out of her way to "help" other people. There are definitely Saviours in my family (namely my aunty).
When I examine my past relationships, what becomes clear to me is that though not all of them have been toxic (my first two were 3 and 2 years each), they all happened very close to each other, sometimes overlapping altogether. Also, I'm keenly aware that I never had the courage to end a relationship myself, so I always cheated at the end of my relationship and then admitted my "sin" to my partner as a reason why we needed to part ways....The true coward's way out. In addition, I think that having grown up with two very loving and commited parents, I figured that being "with someone" was essential to my identity. I still consider my parents' marriage to be rather ideal, even though I can see the flaws today. Finally, I think I've ALWAYS been very insecure of myself, wanting to be popular, to be the best in everything, needing validation from others...
From 16 to 21, I dated two older men, who I guess were offering things I considered important: stability, good looks, excitment (bf#1 anyway), intellectual stimulation (bf#2). Eventually though, I realized that I'd been "a good girl" for far too long and that I needed to go crazy while I was still young or I'd resent it.
So I did. I cheated on bf#2 and started dating furiously, drinking much, doing drugs, showing up to class blitzed, being "wild" because I was obsessed somehow with the notion that I was missing out by having such a normal family and that I needed to explore "my dark side". I think this is when my obsession for men started up. I either needed to be partying like mad, wanted and admired by all, or dating a "hot guy". Nothing else seemed as important as the person I was dating or the person I was coveting.
At 26, after the end of a 2 year long distance relationship with a man I thought I would marry (just because he was conveniently half Asian like me, had some family values, was going to be an architect, yadda yadda yadda), I feel into a deep depression. I figured that all my previous relationships never worked because I had an inability to love. If I wasn't good enough to love, I would get any much sex as I could. So I go involved with a polygamist sex group, REALLY exploring that dark side I mentioned. It was too much for me. I'm a monogamist at heart and the unhealthy lifestyle was eating away at me. Right when I was falling apart, I met XAH at a swingers' party. He was unhappily married to someone and looking for a way out. We both *saved* each other from our respective hells: me from the controlling sex group and him from his hellish marriage. God, we were both so f*cked up, and yet we tried desperately to have a normal relationship in the midst of our mutual codependence and his addiction.
The rest of my relationship and marriage to this man is a blur of verbal abuse, control, manipulation, pathological lying, theft, drugs, self-mutilation, working in the sex industry...you name it, I did it.
Now that I've found SR, and have left XAH, I can truly say that I'm GLAD I went down that dark road. Now I won't live in regret, wondering what if. I can truly say that I crave a healthy lifestyle, I crave a good relationship with myself and that I'm happiest where I am now: at home with my family. I'm also glad because my beautiful little DD was born, and her birth marked the beginning of a new life for me. She gave me the courage and strength I needed to finally leave XAH, on my own, without having cheated on him (yay), so I could find myself.