Intro(self) preface, introduction
I'll be brief. I'm codependant, alanon, acoa, and have been lost in the pit of depression. Today I'm recovering. I'm learning more and retaining more than when I was younger, a much faster runner in my 20's 30's and early 40's. Now I usually stay put.
At 17, I ran away to California, from Chicago. I left my insane life, to start fresh, as far from my f'uped family as I could get. I did stay in touch with everyone but my mom. She had told my younger sis and I that she would kill us if we didn't start doing what we should, and stop being who we were. This fight was different, she showed proof, a new shiny handgun. I had had it! My 31 year old boyfriend wanted me to move in, but he was already throwing red flags everywhere, so I flew to LA. Ended up not teaching them all a lesson and came home at 19,Grandma bought my ticket, so I moved in with her. Found a job, saved moved out, into my old boyfriends. Age 20, sad at work, I confided to my friend( gay man that I thought, shouldn't be!) about Bf's drinking and drugging. At this tender age I already knew, I could never make it on my own.
I forced bf to go to the CATC, (chgo alcoholic treatment center. I religously visited and told him how good he was doing. He came home with a six pack! I lost my mind. My friend, who is still my dear friend today, sold me his sofa bed, and helped me get a great apt. In his building.I was stalked for years by exabf, which also made me a little nuts. Ok alot. That man died at 39, alcohol killed him. I've seen too many men I loved die! I hate this crap, God why me? Why do I love all the sickies?
Ok skip to my current love. I remember actually thinking, as I watched him try to eat with a shaky hand, and not eat, cuz it made him gag, yetguzzle the beer like water, and I said to myself, huh? Another alcoholic! WTF! God must know I can cure this one, or he wouldn't be in my life, right? So I put on my caretaker robe and nursed him back to health, he stopped drinking! For me!!!! He really loved me! Yes, thank you God!
Not!!! Not for long anyhow.
Did it occur to me that my thinking was a bit egotistical? No. Did I use any tools given to me in acoa, co depentant mtgs, or open 12 step mtgs? Maybe, maybe I believed I was going to recover, but in my heart, I needed him to recover too, and that is how I get sicker, expecting some change to occur while repeating the same mistakes.
So now I am rereading this book with an open heart, mind, and I'm choosing to let more seep in. Pg. 7 I tried but couldn't. Until years later, when I became so caught up in the chaos of a few alcoholics... This paragraph is highlighted.
Reading this makes me cry, tense and fear that I may never learn how to change my sick ways.
But I'm going to keep on letting go of that thought and focus on this now. I'm taking care of myself today, I am choosing to work in a positive way towards balance and serenity. My problems are not my secret anymore.
Thanks to y'all. I'm grateful to be here.