This book captured me with it's sub-title "How to Stop Controlling Others & Start Caring For Yourself".
Now, as a recovering alcoholic who strives to work a hard program - I wouldn't have placed controlling as a trait of what I thought a codependent was. I figured most were weak kinda stupid people to be honest. A little more than crazy for putting up with my crap or any other alcoholic/drug addicts crap. How could I respect anyone doing all that? I certainly would never do it. I certainly wouldn't have put up with me.
Both my parents were alcoholics and ultimately died. One directly, the other indirectly. Both in their 40's. I have a whole host of issues that are going to play right into this study.
Mini background on me:
At 17 I wondered if I was an alcoholic, maybe I'd get over it eventually because I was SMART. I was already drinking alone at that point. At 25 I knew I was an alcoholic. I did things that alcoholics do. This included mostly hurting other people and myself. Terribly, So, needless to say the men I got heavily involved with were all addicts or drunks. Except after a while - I knew enough (so I thought) that dating men that drank like me, just wasn't working out. So, I ventured out into the world of "normal men". I dated a couple. But quickly ran those flings into the ground. I successfully hid my drinking from most of them. The problem was: I was a friggin nut. I was the crazy chick guys tell stories about in bars. So, the 'normal guy' thing wasn't working out either. This was back in the 1990's when Internet dating was in it's infancy. Men were right on it! Women were still a little meek. So, there would be like 500 profiles of men for 100 or so of women. I was like a kid in the candy store. Just searching for my prey. By eye color and all. This is when I found "The one that got away" The one guy that, if I wasn't so F'd up, it would have been great.
So, out of all the men on line, guess who I married? 'Cause I was 28 and "appearances" meant the world to me. I had to get married you know. I married me an alcoholic with self-esteem just enough lower than mine that he'd never LEAVE or CHEAT on me. Oh, and he made more money than me 'cause that's so important and all. There you have it. The three main points my picker wanted.
Anyway - FINALLY going on almost a month now. I'm no longer tied to that man, or him to me. Oh, and I have me 2 1/2 years sobriety. Sobriety, what a long strange trip it's been too! No wonder I became static. I have this whole other world - this whole other side that hasn't been looked at. I'm only halfway done. ;-)
Okay, to the book:
PREFACE:
After a quick skim, I turned to the back cover to see Melodie's smiling face. She looks so young! I pictured her looking like dear Abby or something.
in the Preface to the 1992 edition (reprinted in my book). I was shocked to find that it was she who who introduced the word codependency to the mainstream. in 1992 no less. Now, I'm not aware of Alanon's history with the word. In all likely hood they were using it by then. From this preface, it sounds like the word was taken out of the secretive closed door meetings (that's what they are unless you go to them) and flung out for ALL to see. That's Impressive Ms. Beattie.
Now she talks about how she still struggles with all the character traits. Progress not perfection. Although, I was secretly hoping she's be all perfect. Because at this point. I'm NEW and would like to think I can end up perfect (I know, I know). She is honest and real.
INTRODUCTION:
Second paragraph immediately hits me as she was an addict/alcoholic first. "Codependents were a necessary nuisance" Ha, this is creepily true. It also describes all my family members. She went on to describe them as hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, and more.
WHOA - This is so much more brutal than the AA program. And so true. Because it hits home harder. I am all of those things and probably everything else that she's going to call me. ;-)
She explains that we think about being responsible for the entire world and not our own well being. While also being tyrants and clinging vines. This gets me because I'm two-faced. I'm the victim and the abuser. I'll put on whichever hat suits me at the time.
She describes herself as being a "flaming careening codependent". That's exactly what I am. isn't it? Yes, it certainly is.
Introduction sums up with: this book is about stopping the pain and regaining control of our lives.
I'm ready to create some magic!
Here is where I'm at today:
I'm being EATEN ALIVE my my own charachters flaws. I'm NEEDY <--- Ewwww. The one that got away? I managed to wrangle and smash in the span of a week. All this with my husbands dent still in the bed. I'm unfit to deal with people. I need to get my head out of my butt and start taking care of me. I'm a walking around spewing poison all over myself and others.
So, SPEAK.
Thoughts? Don't forget to say where you are today. It would be fun to see if we are able to kick up that happiness notch a few kicks!
Thanks!! ((Hugs))