I did it again...
I'm new to soberrecovery, although I have visited the site on occassion before, usually on a day like today, a day after yet another binge, when I feel so stupid for letting it happen AGAIN...after all the "planning" - I'll just have one drink, I'll drink slow this time, I'll drink a bottle of water in between drinks, blah, blah, blah. And yet here I am, feeling like crap, even taking a day off from work for my binge on Saturday night / Sunday morning. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore...do I really have to STOP drinking completely? It sure looks that way. I can't control myself and I hate it. It's like after that first drink, it's over. My poor husband, he's been so good, so supportive, he tries to help me and ends up having to babysit me. He ends up on the receiving end of my unpredictable behavior, which has gotten pretty ugly and 9 out of 10 times is not "happy" behavior. I don't drink all the time, I've gone months without a drink, it depends on what plans I have - parties, holidays, etc. And I don't always binge drink, I can control myself around family more than around friends, but I feel like I'm losing that control. I've been binge drinking for as long as I've been drinking, blacking out, waking up in bed and not remembering how I got there. All because I want to feel comfortable, let go of my insecurities. So I drink, and I loosen up and feel more comfortable, less insecure. But after a certain point, I can't stop and I start downing drinks and getting mad at anyone that tries to stop me, not realizing they're just trying to help me avoid doing something I'll regret. Who knows what I've done in my life that I'll never have a memory of - that's one of the worst feelings. I just want to be the type of person that can just go out and have a few drinks with friends and not have to do drugs or get overly drunk, but it seems like I'll never be that person - I CAN'T be that person and I just have to accept it. I have this conversation with my husband after every binge and I promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. I hope I have the strength and willpower to stop this vicious cycle. I have a birthday party to go to in 2 weeks and all I can think about is "will I be able to not drink?"...It's disturbing that I have to ask myself a question like that. So here it goes, I'm making today DAY #1. No more excuses, no more regrets.