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I did it again...

Old 03-01-2010, 06:17 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
BmK
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I did it again...

I'm new to soberrecovery, although I have visited the site on occassion before, usually on a day like today, a day after yet another binge, when I feel so stupid for letting it happen AGAIN...after all the "planning" - I'll just have one drink, I'll drink slow this time, I'll drink a bottle of water in between drinks, blah, blah, blah. And yet here I am, feeling like crap, even taking a day off from work for my binge on Saturday night / Sunday morning. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore...do I really have to STOP drinking completely? It sure looks that way. I can't control myself and I hate it. It's like after that first drink, it's over. My poor husband, he's been so good, so supportive, he tries to help me and ends up having to babysit me. He ends up on the receiving end of my unpredictable behavior, which has gotten pretty ugly and 9 out of 10 times is not "happy" behavior. I don't drink all the time, I've gone months without a drink, it depends on what plans I have - parties, holidays, etc. And I don't always binge drink, I can control myself around family more than around friends, but I feel like I'm losing that control. I've been binge drinking for as long as I've been drinking, blacking out, waking up in bed and not remembering how I got there. All because I want to feel comfortable, let go of my insecurities. So I drink, and I loosen up and feel more comfortable, less insecure. But after a certain point, I can't stop and I start downing drinks and getting mad at anyone that tries to stop me, not realizing they're just trying to help me avoid doing something I'll regret. Who knows what I've done in my life that I'll never have a memory of - that's one of the worst feelings. I just want to be the type of person that can just go out and have a few drinks with friends and not have to do drugs or get overly drunk, but it seems like I'll never be that person - I CAN'T be that person and I just have to accept it. I have this conversation with my husband after every binge and I promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. I hope I have the strength and willpower to stop this vicious cycle. I have a birthday party to go to in 2 weeks and all I can think about is "will I be able to not drink?"...It's disturbing that I have to ask myself a question like that. So here it goes, I'm making today DAY #1. No more excuses, no more regrets.
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:38 AM
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Good morning BMK . welcome back to SR

Are you willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober ? Are you drinkin everyday ? you really didnt say , reason I ask is you mite wanna check w/ a Dr ..
HOws bout getting up and makin some meeting in AA or Smart. or what ever works for you just as long as its a support system . Your hubs can as well do something to hepl him that would be Alanon . If your serious you will do what ever it takes to work a program of recovery and not just talk bout it and not try and control it , there is no such thing for an alki .. were all just one drink away from death .. the key is to not pick up that fist drink at any cost .. that first drink takes over rational thinkin and bamm your on your way to what you discribe .
You mention a b party ? Do you think its that important ? Im guessing there will be drinkin there ? most here will tell you that spells danger for someone in early recovery . thats pushing to temptation to relapse , that lil voice in your head will say hey Im ok I can have just one to relax , WRONG .. you said it yourself in your post .
So for now hows bout just worring about today forget bout that party . and focus on what you need to do for yourself .. recovery starts there . not for someone else it starts with you ! pick up the phone call the support network of your choice get a schedule and start workin it now .. it can surly save your life and make it way better
Im a recovering alki myself workin tords 7 yrs sober ... it is possible but you gotta want it and you gotta work it , it wont come to your door . ~ huggled Endzy~
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:41 AM
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Hi and Welcome!

I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking. I also had blackout periods and it is the most frightening experience to have parts of your life completely forgotten.

For me, I could not be around alcohol for quite some time when I stopped drinking, so I would skip the birthday party. Stopping drinking is very hard and adding stress by being around people who are drinking makes it so much worse.

I hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:00 AM
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Thumbs up

Welcome to SR. This place has been
a lifeline and another tool I use along
with my recovery one day at a time.

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent found it
necessary to pick up another drink
of "POISON" since 8-11-90.

For that and u I am truely grateful.

Sharing your story here allows others
struggling with alcohol know that
they too are not.

19 yrs ago my drinking was intercepted
by a family intervention sending me
to rehab via the back seat of a police
car. Why u ask....

Well....i slowly spiraled out of control
hitting bottom and crashing hard. I was
miserable with life, family, and low self
worth.

All i wanted to do was end it.

A failed attempt with pills landed
me on the ground floor of the psch
ward of a rehab center. One day
and night of evaluations concluded
that i wasnt mentally ill. Rather i had
a drinking problem.

I spent 28 days on my own wishes
because no one thought id stay
sober on my own, including myself.

Those days, i was handed the tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism and
thus set on a path of a one day at
a time road of recovery.

I took those steps and principles set
down before us to guide me and use
them in my everyday affairs.

Many meetings later and a many
ODAAT collected together tp get
me where I am today, i continue
to share my story of what it was
like before during and after drinking.

With willingness, open-mindedness
and finally honesty and working a
program of recovery to the best of
my ability I have reaped the rewards
and promises stated in the Big Book
of Alcoholics anonymous.

That book is like the bible for AA. It has
all the answers needed to guide u along
ur journey. Taking it to big book studies
helped me understand the words and its
meaning. Just like going to school to
learn to be an Engineer, or Music Major,
u have to have books to learn. So does
having a book to learn and guide u to
staying sober.


Use SR, meetings, books, tapes, fellowship
to ur advantage to staying sober odaat.
That way u never have to feel alone in
recovery.
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Old 03-01-2010, 08:13 AM
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Hi BmK, welcome....I am not so experienced to give advice, I've been sober for only 14 days....BUT my current experience tells me that I, myself can't even go to a restaurant that serves alcohol right now....I stick with the little Italian place that is a BYOB and drink their cappuchino.

you may wish to reconsider parties that involve a lot of people who do drink for now if your resolve is wavering.
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Old 03-01-2010, 09:09 AM
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Thumbs up

I use to think i didnt have enough
sober time to help anyone when i
first came into recovery.

Then as i heard those with lengths
of sobriety share I did....i smiled in
amazement. They explained to me
that if i woke up this morning sober
and made it 24 hours sober then i
had a day to share with new comer.

All i had to do was suit up and show
up sober and explain how i stayed
sober that 24 hours.

What did you do?

Did you visit here on SR?
Did you make a meeting
which lasts only and hour?

If others see u sober then
that gives the newcomer
hope that if u can ,,,,then
they can.

Helping a newcomer is what
helps me stay sober one more
day.

Coming here sharing my own
ESH helps me stay sober.

Keep Coming Back. It Works
If You Work it.
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Old 03-01-2010, 09:52 AM
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Don't resist, allow
 
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Hi and welcome,

Your pattern of drinking is just like mine was. It ended for me when I finally realised that no amount of planning or control was ever going to stop the inevitable madness and chaos in my life when I took that first drink.

I fought for a long time and brought out every weapon I had to beat my alcohol problem but it just got stronger and beat me more. When I finally surrendered and quit fighting, suprisingly it was actually a relief.

I'm an alcoholic and I go to AA. I cannot stay sober unless I work the 12 step program of AA.
Why don't you try going to a meeting. You can take your husband with you for support if you want - just check out the schedule online to see if it is an "open" meeting which means that even people who don't have the desire to stop drinking can attend.
Take care.
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Old 03-01-2010, 10:14 AM
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You wrote my story! I can so identify, i did the exact same thing and it has destroyed so much..and yet, each time I think I can have "just a couple"...and soon its out of control and i have hurt someone i love...
*sigh* we are alcholics, that is for sure
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:02 AM
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Welcome!

I am glad you posted. You will find all kinds of support, wisdom, and kind folks here. There's been lots of great advice already in this thread. I just want to add that I really liked you "No more excuses, no more regrets" line. That's exactly how I felt! That sentence rocks!

I am still new to the sobriety game, so others might be able to offer perspectives from a different vantage point. All I can add is that in the relatively small amount of time I have been sober, I have had an exponentially increasing love for life and everything I do in it.

I wish you much luck and happiness. Welcome to SR!!
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:28 AM
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BmK
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Wow, thank you all so much for your comments...I know you all know what I'm going through and I appreciate all the kind words and advice.
endzoner...no, I don't drink every day, but I know you don't have to be an every day drinker to be considered an alcoholic.
I have gone through bad binges where I did drink nonstop for a few days at a time, mostly when I was younger, when I used to do drugs as well as drink. Thankfully, I've been able to cut out the drugs and I've been trying to "control" the alcohol, but I realize that there is no "controlling" it. Alcoholism truly is a disease and I'm going to start treating it that way. I have been to meetings in the past and I'm going to start attending them again. Just posting on SR once has made me feel so much better & stronger.

Thank you all for your support!
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Old 03-01-2010, 12:12 PM
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Welcome BMK. You have it. You want to stop with all your heart. You came to SR and posted. You are going to go to meetings. I see someone that's going to go to all lengths. Just remember "For today, don't drink no matter what."
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:31 PM
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Hi BmK

The realisation that I could never control my drinking and never would was a turning point for me - I hope it will be for you too

Welcome to SR
D
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Old 03-01-2010, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by BmK View Post
I have this conversation with my husband after every binge and I promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. I hope I have the strength and willpower to stop this vicious cycle. .
Please stop telling your husband it will not happen again because unless you make a decison to stop drinking you know it will. You are in a vicious cycle just like I was and only you know if alcohol is making your life difficult. It seems that you have decided that it is and you know what you need to do. Welcome to the board and please keeo coming back!
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:40 PM
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You wrote my story too!! And sadly I am going to have agree with those that posted about you skipping the bday party. I have one coming up too that I am going to have to skip because I know I can't put myself in that environment. Thankfully, or ironically I feel like I am coming down with a cold and probably won't be well enough to go anyways.. blessing...
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