Hippy, I remember you very well. I'm so glad you're back. I don't know for sure what to advise, since it took me many years to finally get it right and stop trying to moderate. I thought using willpower could make me into a social drinker, and almost killed myself trying to manage it.
I finally had enough of the insanity and uncertainty my drinking life was causing. For the first time in my life, I was losing the respect of people I truly cared about. I could see them slowly writing me off. That hurt my pride so much - plus, having health issues and DUI's - it had to end. I hope you've had enough, and will find comfort and support here with us once again.