The answer you seek is in the first 164 pages of the basic text of AA, Swampy. Check it out, or check it out again. You will find it, if you seek it. Get to a meeting and pray that you can meet someone there who knows the AA message and can guide you on the path. Get going on the steps. Check out the Step Forum here. You may be ready to admit and accept the "devastating weakness." Maybe... You may be ready to find the way out...