swampy

I am feeling so lame even posting anymore.. my alcoholism has progressed to the point of just pushing more and more people away,Losing some of my kids visiting privileges, self respect completely gone, and full of anger. I could not get it before when I had clean time,(18 months) yet this is a living hell. Most times completely alone drinking and isolating. I need to grow up, what the hell is my problem and why can't I stop this. so, here i am, a 41 year old on the waiting list to go back to school for web design, but living with his parents.Please excuse me, as I am still cloudy from my last binge and just venting. 2 days clean now, but feel like I am going crazy. Don't know if I should drink or go to a meeting? have not been clean since november and just getting worse. so many dreams that seem to pass me by. Am a musician, cannot even stay sober enough to rehearse, yet told am very talented if I could just stop the dr......ing. sorry if this does not make any sense... I apologize.

Mark75

Just go to a meeting. Ask someone if they can show you the solution.

Keep posting

keithj

Swampy,

This makes perfect sense. It's got nothing to do with growing up or being lame or being weak or not wanting it bad enough (OK, you do have to want it pretty bad).

It has to do with power. I didn't have the power to stay sober. No way, no how, I couldn't do it.

When I stopped whining about how I should be able to quit, and knew instead that I was unable to quit, I then became willing to do whatever it took. It's not like willingness was something I could will myself into. It was a gift brought on by knowing I couldn't stay sober.

Then it was as simple as calling a guy in AA who could show me how to find that power. He showed me specific directions for getting it.

Astro

The choice seems obvious to me, but I understand the difficulty of making that decision. I drank for 27 years and stopped at the age of 41. I can't even begin to imagine how much more of my life I would've given away if I continued drinking.

I'm living the dream now, the life that I always dreamed of having. You can have a great life too, clean and sober. The choice is up to you.

Stereosteveo

Swampy I'm glad you keep posting man. I was looking back through your earlier posts and all I can say is that I can identify with your despair. I'm not sure what it is your are doing or are not doing. But here's the basics of how I got sober, if it helps hit any weak spots maybe that will help you.

1. I said a quick prayer EVERY morning, asking for help not to drink/use mainly.
2. I went to the meeting EVERY day, except the days I relapsed, but right back in the next day. Immediately. Many times 2 or 3/day. One day I went to 10 meetings at the same club. 6am till midnight.
3. I read and tried to understand the book where I could.
4. I asked someone to be my sponsor. Only met f2f about 1hr./week and talked on the phone about 1hr. /week total. The guy kept nailing me with quotes out of the book. It's rare to leave me speechless, believe me.
5. I downloaded and listened to an ass-ton of speakers. They inspired me greatly. Especially step studies. For the first time in my life I actually understood the problem, the solution, and what I needed to do to get there. People talk a lot about the steps in the meetings, but not too many people talk about EXACTLY how to work them. Just ask people at random. Even people with years of sobriety, you'll get 18 different versions. In my experience very few people really know exactly what the book is asking us to do.

All of this kept me floating along fairly well compared to putting zero effort into my recovery. My strings of sobriety gradually got a little longer. Then all hell broke loose one day and I really couldn't stand being sober any longer, so I snuck away to drink and use again, but this time I couldn't stand that either anymore. I don't know how many people reach that spot, I didn't even know it existed. Anyway, the magic happened right after that when the pen hit the paper. It's been on since then.

Dee74

Hi again swampy.
Sorry you're struggling.

My life got better when I quit drinking. Old friends came back, I got happier, I got some self respect and some ambition - I even started playing again.

It didn't happen overnight but it did all radiate from just one decision.
I stopped drinking and sought help.

Pick that meeting swampy.

D

Drk

I hear you. I did the same thing for years and lost so much time.

I'd say, get out of this drinking garbage now before you lose another second of life.

swampy

Thanks for the support guys.. I did go to a meeting last night and then one at noon today.. it's a start..

Astro

joedris

When the question comes up as to whether I should drink or go to a meeting, I go to a meeting. It's a no-brainer.

DonaldS

The answer you seek is in the first 164 pages of the basic text of AA, Swampy. Check it out, or check it out again. You will find it, if you seek it. Get to a meeting and pray that you can meet someone there who knows the AA message and can guide you on the path. Get going on the steps. Check out the Step Forum here. You may be ready to admit and accept the "devastating weakness." Maybe... You may be ready to find the way out...

Anna

Swampy, I am glad that you are seeking support for your alcoholism.

The main thing is to never give up. This disease is relentless and I hope that you will continue to seek recovery.

Dan Dare

I, too am a musician, and it is at the gigs that I am the weakest. Free drinks, everyone around you is drinking. It is tough.
What's important is you know you need help and you are seeking it.
Keep up the fight.