Fenway
Welcome here again Fenway. You're being very honest and a little hard on yourself. It's not always easy to help others when you're battling your own demons. I think it takes some courage even to write on this forum -- and that is something you are doing to help others, because I'm sure a lot of people out there can identify with your problems. I'm writing because I had a similar problem admitting to my therapist how much I was drinking... i saw three different therapists and changed each one because they told me i should cut down or stop drinking. At one stage I was drinking a dozen or more beers and three or four glasses of wine a day and there was no way I intended stopping. The therapist would ask, "So, how much are you drinking?" I'd feel too embarassed to tell her, so i would halve the amount, and even that sounded too much. One day, out of the blue, i went to my latest therapist, whom i really liked, and she said, "So, how much do you drink?"
I blurted out, "About a dozen beers and some wine on top of that, and maybe a whiskey or brandy or two or more." She looked at me quite unmoved and said to me, "Have you ever considered you might be an alcoholic and that it could kill you." I went home and looked in the mirror and saw an alcoholic.
The next time I saw my therapist i told her i was an alcoholic... Just the admission to myself and to her was a great weight off my shoulders and set in motion my first tentative steps towards becoming free... I am extremely grateful to my therapist. i think she saved my life. thing is, don't be hard on yourself. remember, alcoholism is a disease, and it can be cured...