Hi Brit & welcome to SR. I came here with a similar set of mind about a week ago. Kind of, yep, my drinking is out of control when I drink, but I would like to learn to control it. I wasn't 'ready' to completely quit drinking. But the truth is, that it was my alcoholic mind that wasn't ready to 'quit' me. Thanks to SR & wonderful people here I found that there is at least one person that can relate to any of each of my problems, that people went through the same 'thinking' and reasoning process with their addiction, and yet, not one person is saying "I have my drinking under control'. We just try the hardest to be sober and stay that way. I thought I will miss drinking and that my life will be somewhat empty without it. Well, quite opposite actually. I can't recall when I could remember the whole past week. It's so relieving. Also not felling guilty about things that I did when I'm drunk it's a huge weight of my shoulders. Just this little felling of ME being in control of my life instead of booze taking charge is extremely empowering. Reading through other people's posts also help me the huge amount. I started thinking with my sober mind, wondering what the alcohol really gives me, and the answer was, it only takes away from me. I also might have bi polar disorder, although I never tried to diagnosed it. I definitely suffer from depression, but then sometimes I am super hyper or furious kind of angry. Not drinking calmed my mood swings greatly. People even say to me that I become a "nicer" person. In regards to passing out with strange men, I think I was few steps ahead of you. I am also like you, 2-3 times a week drunk & when I drink, 7 out of 10 times I do blackout. It came to the stage that a few times I found an empty condom wrap in my place & had absolutely no idea how did it get there. Trust me, you don't want to wonder, did you & with whom you had sex, the next morning. It is one of the worst feelings of shame & disgust with oneself. Also please remember, that your drinking, not only has got influence on your husband's life, but mostly on your kid's life. I'd suggest that you read a bit about Children of Alcoholics and what extra difficulties their face in their life's if they have an alcoholic parent. Even if you are not every day drinker, kids pick up on the most subtle changes in their parent's behaviour & it tremendously shapes their future. By drinking you're not only destroy your future. You say that you cannot see your future without drinking, I say first of all, just try to take one day at the time, second "Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal" (Rita
Davenport).
Good luck to you & keep posting!