angharad- I read your post - which is what made me decide to join here and make a post myself. Unlike you - I didn't have to drink everyday (although I wouldn't have been against it either) but my drinking is usually on the weekends, with occasional drinking once a week. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad that you are bipolar as well - because it makes me feel more connected to you because you know (or anyone with depression or anger problems) understand my problems. I have to get one fixed in order to fix the other. My medication is the cheap stuff (the 4 dollar list at wal-mart) it doesn't mean its not any good, but when I had insurance I was on different meds that helped with my mood swings, depression, and social anxiety. Thats probably another reason why I can't go to AA. Plus, I can't go to one in my town, because its a very small town, so everyone would know my business.
I can also relate to the poster who said something about drinking and "hanging out with strange men". There is one guy in particular who about a year ago, tried to have sex with me (he was my best guy friend, and depressed because his girlfriend left him) and I was able to say no! He was very persistant, but I have a family and I guess I wasn't that drunk and knew it was a bad choice. Now, since it's gotten worse, I have this "I don't care" thinking, and honestly, if the situation came up again, and I was intoxicated, I probably would. It sounds horrible, I know - with alcohol combined with the bipolar disorder - I always have mixed feelings. Sometimes I love my husband (Well, I always love him, but..) but on certain days I don't want anything to do with him and these are the times where I probably would go out, get drunk, and do somethin stupid that would break up our family. I have a bottle of Jack Daniels in the cabinet as well as one drink left in a Margarita bottle - and I have this sense that I need to get rid of them asap - but I can't just dump them out. My brain says "drink it all, then you're done". It also says "Drink this, see if you can handle it. Try just one more time". I'm so glad I can come here to listen to people and have people tell me their advice from past experiences. I've always been the type to "I don't listen to anyone, I have to find out on my own". And like I said, mentally, I'm not ready to quit. The day after I go out and did bad things I tell myself "no. you're done." but a few days later I know I need to quit, but my mind tells me "try it just once more." Also, when I hang out with these bad people (which includes my best guy friend- he's really bad into drugs and alcohol) he always puts things in front of me (coke usually) and hands me the straw and says "Here" and when I'm drunk, I'm like "OK..." I never would do that with a sober mind though. Its' just when I get really drunk, I have the "I don't give a damn" atitude. The craving for alcohol for me is stronger than my willpower it seems. I'm glad to hear that meds work better without alcohol, but often when I drink, I don't take my meds (I take them at night) because certain anti-depressants mixed with alcohol can be a lethal consequence so because of the alcohol, I skip doses. Stupid, I know. I'm realizing now that alcohol has control over me, I do not have control over the alcohol. Addiction sucks. And, since last weekend, I've been chainsmoking.... (for me, since I don't smoke that much a day, chainsmoking for me would be like 1 every 15 minutes, not one right after the other). I don't know if I'm trying to replace alcohol with cigarettes? I hope when I go to the clinic I can start to understand more about what stage of bipolar I am, and if I have any other mental disorders (I know I have social anxiety, but I think that may come with being bipolar). The only thing that sucks is that my appointment is in a month, and I just have a tech evaluate me. I don't see the Dr. until the month after. They're very busy over there. Its hard to deal with both the mental illness, physical pain, and addiction at once. UGH! I guess life is not supposed to be easy, but it sure is easier for some people than it is for me. But then again, a lot of people have it worse than I do, I understand that too.