Brittny

Let me start off by giving some of my background. I'm 24, and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The Manic side is probably what gets me to drink, although I do drink when I'm depressed too. I also have bad back problems. I injured my tailbone in 02 and it still hurts to this day. It has also caused lower back pain in general (not just tailbone pain).

My reason for drinking are many. I want to escape my feelings (if I'm depressed) or My friends and I want to get together and have drinks, or I just want to get out of the house and have a good time (I'm a stay at home mom- so I'm home all day every day) or when I go to my sister in laws house, we always sit around, drink and barbeque. I feel better when I drink. I don't have the anxiety, fear, and awkardness around people when I drink. When I'm sober, I get very anxious around people, especially people I don't know, and I don't open up and act like myself around people that don't know me well. Drinking also eleviates my pain physically. I've taken all kinds of over the counter meds and prescription meds (vicodin) for it, but it does not go away. I also take a muscle relaxer and anti-inflammatory drug but it does not help. I guess the alcohol helps loosen the muscles, and takes my mind off of it.

Also - I started drinking and partying at 14. I got married at 18, and by 20 had my first child. I always felt that I had that partying out of me - because I did it every night when I was younger. I was ready to be a family person - stay at home most nights, etc. Now that I'm almost 25, it could be me acting out on years that I missed out on (being 21 and partying, being single, not tied down to anything, etc. I've been with my husband since I was 16. My drinking has only gotten out of control within the last year, I used to be able in control of it)


I don't drink excessively every day. But when I drink, I drink excessively. I usually stick to beer, but I can drink an 18 or 24 pack to myself. I would say on average, I drink 2-3 times a week. Mostly on weekends, but their are weekdays when I have the craving for it (maybe because I'm stressed out). I usually don't drink liquor, because I know liquor will get to me faster and have me throwing up or passed out within a couple hours (b/c of how much and how fast I drink)

The reason that made me realize I need to quit was because a couple weekends ago, after being at the bar, we went home, and I still wanted to drink. So I went to my friends house, stayed there all night, lost my keys to the truck, and had a friend take me home. My husband was so mad at me for losing my keys, and also, my son had a basketball game that morning, and since I didn't get home till 6 am, I passed out and missed the game. My friend came by, tried to wake me up, couldn't, and was worried for me. Needless to say my mom found out, and kind of had an "intervention" with me. They knew I liked to drink and that I when I do drink, I drink too much (even if its' just beer)

So I told my husband "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being sick mentally (bipolar disorder is a bitch) and physically with pain and stomach problems (IBS) and I'm tired of getting so drunk that I don't care about anything and I just go out and do what I want to do. I have no limitations anymore when I'm drunk.

So I decided I was going to quit... but I was gonna do it just "one more time" to have that last "Hoo-rah". I drank a six pack on a tuesday at home, and thought about getting more, then I was like, no, just go to bed, its late. So thats what I did. Well, then I got to thinking "Maybe I can learn to teach myself when enough is enough, and knowing when to stop, or knowing how to avoid bad situations that get me into trouble". So my friend and I had drinks last Friday. I had 3 margaritas, she had one, then decided she didn't feel like drinking. I was kinda ticked because she knew I was trying to quit (and she was the one that came to my house that day to try to wake me up) and I told her "I thought you were going to drink with me, thats the only reason why I drank. Now I'm gonna end up going out and doing something stupid." Well when she left, I actually quit drinking, and went to bed! so I thought "hey, I'm doing great. I can do this!

Well, last Saturday, it happened again. I was going to my sister-in-laws for a birthday party, and bought a 12 pk for my husband and I, (since they always drink over there) and thought I can do this! We'll come here, stay for awhile, then go home. Well, once the party was over, we went to my nephews house (about 8 pm) and I was still drinking. at 10, my husband said, "Ok, lets go. Kids are tired, they need to get to bed." Well, at this point I was wasted, and said "Just leave me here, I'll get a ride home" He argued with me about it because he knew that I was going to get myself into bad situations as I usually do when I'm that drunk, but finally he left. I ended up stayin there till about 4 am, got a ride to another friends house so he could take me home (our house is 20 miles away from where we were). He said he would, then passed out, so I had to walk to my sister in laws house (this was 8:30 in the morning). Needless to say, when I finally got home, my sister in law called and yelled at me for hanging out with bad people, and saying I'm going to lose my husband, etc. I got very angry because with my bipolar disorder not in control right now, I've been going through a severe depression. I feel the correct way to intervene someone is by talking to them, not yelling at you and telling you what a horrible person you are. So since that Saturday/early Sunday, (last weekend) I havent drank since.

All week I havent had the urge to drink, but since its' Friday, thoughts start racing through my mind. Everyone is asking who's doing what, and Alcohol is pretty much involved anywhere I go at this point. My best friend (the one that tried to wake me up and intervened me) is the only place I can go and just hang out together without alcohol because she rarely drinks. Being a stay at home mom, I go stir crazy, and by the weekend, I just want to get out of the house and have fun.

Mentally, I don't think I can quit drinking. I'm not ready mentally. I still want to. You really have to want it to quit. The desire to drink to night is extreme. I wish I can learn to drink socially and in moderation like most people do, but I don't think I will ever be able to. People with bipolar disorder are prone to addiction, and it also makes it harder to quit because of the mood swings. I may be gung-ho one day and want to quit, then the next I don't want to. Then a few days later, I want to quit. I have no desire to quit. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I honestly cannot say that I will never drink again. I can't see my future being alcohol free.

AA Meetings- I went to one once when I was younger with my boyfriend who was court ordered to go. I drank excessively back then too, but I was young (17) and being at the AA meeting honestly made me want to drink. Just hearing people talk about alcohol and their past experience with it makes me want to drink. Talking about it now makes me want to drink.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. Could I one day learn to only do it in safe environments and know when enough is enough (i.e. its 2 am, time to quit and go to bed) Because I fear if I fight it too long, I might relapse one day and go all out. Something has got to change however, because it is now affecting my family.


Sorry for the long post. Just trying to get everything out there and off my chest.