CNVIOLA

I am 25 years old, and I have been dating a heroin addict for 9 months. We live together in a beautiful apartment that he got for us 5 months ago. when I met him, he told me all about his addiction ( 6 years in the making ) and he was fresh out of recovery. I have lost two close family members to heroin, and a dear friend as well. Sadly, he promised me ( I know addicts cant promise to stay clean, they take it day to day) that he would not use and if he did he would tell me. Needless to stay about a week or two into our relationship he was using again, I chose to ignore it and took his word for it when I asked him if he was high and he said no. Like most addicts he justified lied and blammed. Around november I had had enough, I blammed myself and he allowed me to, he lied to my face and spent our money on pills, he justified that using pills was not heroin and that by not sticking a needle in his arm, he was ok. I kicked him out and he cried and begged and I took him back a week later. He went to meetings, did not get a sponsor, did not follow the steps, but he did go every night. He was good for almost 90 days until I found him in the bathroom using heroin again, sniffing not shooting and to him that was ok. He says that by not going out all night and using in his car vs. a drug house made it ok, but he still lied nodded out on the couch, drooled all over himself and hurt me over and over again. He has three brothers and every brother is also a heroin addict. His oldest brother has two years clean and is doing very well, his middle brother is a year clean and now on his own again but we think staying strong. His baby brother is and has been the worst, in and out of jail, stealing, lying has two children, homeless, you name it. My boyfriend constantly compares himself to his youngest brother and feels that what he does is ok because he is not that far gone. But what I have learned through the many addicts I have in my family is that he is lying to himself and justifying his addiction. He has decided to check into detox for 7 days and work an out patient program, so far we have had 3 relapes, and now he has just been continuously using pills (perk30's he takes 3-4 at a time and is pretty much a zombie). He deletes numbers from his phone and I have to go through the phone bill to see who he has really been talking to. He buys saboxons and is now abusing those, instead of using as a blocker. He has never had but only a max of 6months clean, he uses steroids once he leaves a program to feel better about himself because of how bad he looks when he goes in. He has stopped that but my fear is that he will keep going with it once he gets out and wants instant "I feel better look at me im cured" gratification. I have stuck out his problem for too long, I am not an addict or an alcoholic, I have a great job and I am in fear that I will loose it if I keep going this way. I am always always worried because he constantly lies to my face and has no problem with it what so ever and thats what scares me the most. We have no trust. He got high on my birthday because he felt I was mad at him and he couldnt deal with it, he ruined the whole entire day. I left him for one night and he used the entire time, and blammed me. I love myself, but I love him very much also. Our problem is, that he does try, he now is trying to reach out to me for help and his friends, we get along so well people dont see any problem ever at all, and he runs with that. We really are like soul mates, people constantly say to us wow I wish I had what you have, but they dont see or know whats really going on. I get mad at him and I cry and yell, but I love him and I cant help but laugh with him still and thats the hardest part. We arent at each others throats, he doesnt go out all night long or leave for days or take my money but he does enough damage in other ways. I cant reach out to my family members who are now clean my uncle is 22 years sober, because I know it will hurt my boyfriend if my family found out because they think so good of him and sadly my mother being that I am her only daughter would pull me away from him. I dont know what to do and I am having a very hard time being strong right now, I am going to be alone for a week and I have never been without him for longer than a night. We do everything together minus drugs or drinking( i wont pick up a drink because I know he cant be around it, there is no alcohol allowed in our home and it doesnt bother me at all because I love him and thats to help him) I have tried everything I can think of, and I just dont know what to do, I go to his brothers wife and she is just no help because of what he has done to her ( the youngest brother ) for so many years, she doesnt make me feel better just worse. His step brother is also an addict and going through it, I met my boyfriend through his wife she and I grew up together, she also has gone through this for 7 years but they have a very bad relationship, she cheats when he is gone, they have a child and she basically just stays with him for the baby but lives her own life. I feel like I get more angry with him because I am alone in this and he is the only one I have to talk to, but I cant talk to him because hes the addict and the person whos making me feel this way. We have everything joint, accounts, bills phones rent car insurance, everything. I dont want to walk away from him because there is still a bit of belief and hope that I have, I know him like no one else does, and like I said people really look at us because we just get along so well even when he is high, I love him so much I forget hes on something, I am really confused I dont know what to do, Id really love some feedback. Thanks for reading my story.