Alone, I need advice/help

Old 02-25-2010, 10:04 PM
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Alone, I need advice/help

I am 25 years old, and I have been dating a heroin addict for 9 months. We live together in a beautiful apartment that he got for us 5 months ago. when I met him, he told me all about his addiction ( 6 years in the making ) and he was fresh out of recovery. I have lost two close family members to heroin, and a dear friend as well. Sadly, he promised me ( I know addicts cant promise to stay clean, they take it day to day) that he would not use and if he did he would tell me. Needless to stay about a week or two into our relationship he was using again, I chose to ignore it and took his word for it when I asked him if he was high and he said no. Like most addicts he justified lied and blammed. Around november I had had enough, I blammed myself and he allowed me to, he lied to my face and spent our money on pills, he justified that using pills was not heroin and that by not sticking a needle in his arm, he was ok. I kicked him out and he cried and begged and I took him back a week later. He went to meetings, did not get a sponsor, did not follow the steps, but he did go every night. He was good for almost 90 days until I found him in the bathroom using heroin again, sniffing not shooting and to him that was ok. He says that by not going out all night and using in his car vs. a drug house made it ok, but he still lied nodded out on the couch, drooled all over himself and hurt me over and over again. He has three brothers and every brother is also a heroin addict. His oldest brother has two years clean and is doing very well, his middle brother is a year clean and now on his own again but we think staying strong. His baby brother is and has been the worst, in and out of jail, stealing, lying has two children, homeless, you name it. My boyfriend constantly compares himself to his youngest brother and feels that what he does is ok because he is not that far gone. But what I have learned through the many addicts I have in my family is that he is lying to himself and justifying his addiction. He has decided to check into detox for 7 days and work an out patient program, so far we have had 3 relapes, and now he has just been continuously using pills (perk30's he takes 3-4 at a time and is pretty much a zombie). He deletes numbers from his phone and I have to go through the phone bill to see who he has really been talking to. He buys saboxons and is now abusing those, instead of using as a blocker. He has never had but only a max of 6months clean, he uses steroids once he leaves a program to feel better about himself because of how bad he looks when he goes in. He has stopped that but my fear is that he will keep going with it once he gets out and wants instant "I feel better look at me im cured" gratification. I have stuck out his problem for too long, I am not an addict or an alcoholic, I have a great job and I am in fear that I will loose it if I keep going this way. I am always always worried because he constantly lies to my face and has no problem with it what so ever and thats what scares me the most. We have no trust. He got high on my birthday because he felt I was mad at him and he couldnt deal with it, he ruined the whole entire day. I left him for one night and he used the entire time, and blammed me. I love myself, but I love him very much also. Our problem is, that he does try, he now is trying to reach out to me for help and his friends, we get along so well people dont see any problem ever at all, and he runs with that. We really are like soul mates, people constantly say to us wow I wish I had what you have, but they dont see or know whats really going on. I get mad at him and I cry and yell, but I love him and I cant help but laugh with him still and thats the hardest part. We arent at each others throats, he doesnt go out all night long or leave for days or take my money but he does enough damage in other ways. I cant reach out to my family members who are now clean my uncle is 22 years sober, because I know it will hurt my boyfriend if my family found out because they think so good of him and sadly my mother being that I am her only daughter would pull me away from him. I dont know what to do and I am having a very hard time being strong right now, I am going to be alone for a week and I have never been without him for longer than a night. We do everything together minus drugs or drinking( i wont pick up a drink because I know he cant be around it, there is no alcohol allowed in our home and it doesnt bother me at all because I love him and thats to help him) I have tried everything I can think of, and I just dont know what to do, I go to his brothers wife and she is just no help because of what he has done to her ( the youngest brother ) for so many years, she doesnt make me feel better just worse. His step brother is also an addict and going through it, I met my boyfriend through his wife she and I grew up together, she also has gone through this for 7 years but they have a very bad relationship, she cheats when he is gone, they have a child and she basically just stays with him for the baby but lives her own life. I feel like I get more angry with him because I am alone in this and he is the only one I have to talk to, but I cant talk to him because hes the addict and the person whos making me feel this way. We have everything joint, accounts, bills phones rent car insurance, everything. I dont want to walk away from him because there is still a bit of belief and hope that I have, I know him like no one else does, and like I said people really look at us because we just get along so well even when he is high, I love him so much I forget hes on something, I am really confused I dont know what to do, Id really love some feedback. Thanks for reading my story.
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:03 AM
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Ann
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I feel like I get more angry with him because I am alone in this and he is the only one I have to talk to, but I cant talk to him because hes the addict and the person whos making me feel this way. We have everything joint, accounts, bills phones rent car insurance, everything. I dont want to walk away from him because there is still a bit of belief and hope that I have, I know him like no one else does, and like I said people really look at us because we just get along so well even when he is high, I love him so much I forget hes on something, I am really confused I dont know what to do, Id really love some feedback. Thanks for reading my story.
You are no longer alone, we are all here for you and there are wonderful live meetings out there that you may want to find to surround yourself with support. Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and CoDA are three similar programs that are about US, about regaining our balance and finding a better way to live. These meetings literally saved my life.

When we spend all our time (and energy) living in their addiction, when we spend time with their addicted families or friends, we begin to "normalize" a life that is far from normal, and that very well may be fatal.

You don't sound done yet, and that's okay. We all move on when we are ready and we are here to support you no matter whether you stay or go.

But you may want to take pause and ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. When we live the life of addiction, there is no other life out there. All our money and energy and time and focus is either on the addict or the drug, depending which side we are one. It is a life of lies, deception, crime, fear and chaos, and it doesn't change until WE change, and stop living in the problem (addiction) and begin living in the solution...our own recovery.

You do have choices. They may not be easy and it will be hard to change, but just know that many people here have been where you are and are happy survivors today.

Hugs
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:30 AM
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You're not alone. We are all here for you, some of us have btdt too. Keep posting! The hardest part (my opinion) is watching the dream die before our eyes when we love an addict. The lies (to me) really cut to my core because I know at my core that it IS a lie. The acts of ignoring, overlooking, minimizing, make excuses for...you know the drill! It damages our own sense of right and wrong. The codie in us starts to get amped up and the vicious cycle beging. sounds like your abf has a lot of false starts. how many are YOU willing to endure?
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Old 02-26-2010, 09:28 AM
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I used to get along with my son's father when he was high (and I wasn't - I was pregnant and clean). Finally I decided I wanted more out of relationship. Something inside me just clicked and I wasn't willing to play second fiddle to a drug anymore. I decided I was worth more than that and I deserved more in life.

This site, and another one similar to it, was so helpful to me throughout my whole journey - when I thought I could make things work between us for the sake of our baby, when I accepted that it just wasn't going to work, getting through the pain of breaking up, AND now, dealing with him as a ex (who pops up now and again because of our son).

I hope you stick around and I hope you keep an open mind to everything you learn here.

I also encourage Alanon meetings. So often we expect the addicts in our lives to change and work recovery. But if we aren't willing to do it ourselves then I think we are being hypocrits.

Welcome!
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Old 02-26-2010, 06:38 PM
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hello, and welcome to s/r. ann wrote a beautiful post, and yes, you are not alone here. but this is just one form of support. i hope you will start attending al-anon.

you did ask for feedback, and this is some of what i see:

your post is filled with contradictions. you are living in a tumultuous relationship, experiencing both ends of the spectrum (love/hate, suspicion/mistrust) and are understandably confused.

you say that he is "trying" and he is "reaching out to" you for help. but you also said that he doesn't really see that what he's using is so wrong. snorting, not shooting: not so bad; pills not h: not so bad. but if he is an addict, then i think we can agree that he can't use drugs. if the dr didn't prescibe them, and he's using them, that is called abuse. when he says these things, he is minimizing. when you say you're not at each other's throats, you can still laugh together, you share everything, you're soul mates, i feel it's a version of minimizing also. "it's not so bad" your comments seem to say.

some things to think about. please keep coming here, and consider those al-anon meetings.
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Old 03-01-2010, 09:20 PM
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Thank you for all of your feedback, it means a lot to me.
I think that he has over time made me feel the way he has wanted me to feel, and thats exactly how he sees his problem. I go back and forth because I know right from wrong but Im not an addict, I know its wrong to snort heroin, I know its wrong to lie to your partner on a daily basis, I know its wrong to feel OK about sniffing oxys instead of shooting up, but because I am not an addict I have looked to him like, well, if you say its ok, and I love you and came into this trusting you not seeing this result at all, then I guess like you say Nick, its not that bad, its better than shooting up. And ya you lied to me daily for months and months, but youre right it was only about drugs, not anything else. I really went back and forth with that because its just the two of us, I havent been able to go to anyone else who has an open mind to say, Um, no thats wrong and its not ok. And now I am kind of left feeling like, ok I am happy you decided to go, but now that hes gone in detox and I am alone, I obviously have much time tbo think, and I think well you finally went because a week ago I pretty much demanded it, but my thoughts and feelings and days we have had long talks get lost in all of this chaos I forget what I have said or even felt. In looking back on this, yes, I have made many many excuses, because of his brothers addictions and how bad they were and how he wasnt close to that, but at the end of the day they are addicts, no one is better or worse, and the excuses he gives to me I have justified also because I just really have not wanted to believe this. There have been worse times/days/events we have dealt with that I havent posted, and I guess because theyve been bad I just have closed my eyes to everything even though in my heart and my mind I know what hes doing is wrong and I know he has a serious problem, he has for many years now. I am very happy he went today, the plan is, hes going for 7 days then coming home (to keep his job) and he is doing an out-patient program. He does have a lot of support this time around, so I am still hopeful. He knows he cant drink, ever again because it causes him to relapse, he cannot use steroids, and he is an addict, he will raise his hand and identify himself as one but I hope and I am praying that this time he doesnt see it as humiliation, he sees it as growth and a new start. Thanks again everyone for your help, day 1 down!
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:25 AM
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welcome
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:38 PM
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(((((CNVIOLA))))

Hang in there I know it is tough. Think about what is in your best interest. Think about the advice you would give to your very best friend if they were in your situation.

Being from a family of addicts myself I know it puts me in a vulnerable spot concerning addicts. I have had to really work on why I would be with an addict when being related to several of them has caused me so much pain. The hardest part for me getting real with myself!!

We always want to give them the benefit of the doubt if only our gut would let us. Even when we are in the middle of our denial our gut knows what is true.
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:11 PM
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i am pullin for ya. it's a long road, and a tough one. have you looked up any al-anon meetings yet? a circle of clean and sober friends would be helpful for you.

peace,
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