I can relate to how your feeling. I lost my AH 3 months ago. He had been clean for a little over a year and had relapsed and overdosed. He was working out of town at the time and was found my a hotel maid. He was close to the town that we left when he got clean. I was worried it would be to much for him and told him so. My worse fear came true. At first I was in shock and just wanted him back here with us and kept expecting him to call or walk through the door. When I finely got to see his body it made it more real. For the past couple of months I have been so angry with him. If he walked through the door right now I'd kill him for putting everyone through all of this. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I think part of it is that all the hope I had for him to stay clean and the life we should have had together is now gone. I know that there is no hope for us to have the life we wanted. We won't raise our baby together and we won't grow old together. He took all that hope away. Hope has kept me going through all of his addiction and that is gone. I don't want to be angry any more. It makes me mad because I feel like me being angry with him still gives his addiction control over me. My prayers are with you and you are in my thoughts. I know how hard this is. Hope I didn't get off of the subject to much. LOL Much love.