I used to do this all the time, every night was pure toture trying to get to sleep. I thought I had to numb myself with drugs and booze so I even had a shot at getting to sleep. I, like most of us, had ample material to work with!! I've always said that nobody could ever put me down harder than I put myself down.
Funny thing is, when I stopped getting high, when I stopped the regular bingeing on the booze, I found that I didn't abuse myself nearly as much. The reasons were all still there, I still couldn't change the things I'd done, but I was finally able to cut myself a little break.
I think part of it is that I feel more positive about myself now, I feel like I'm finally moving forward in life, rather than being stuck in the same hopless spot for eternity. But I gotta think part of it is the effect that the drugs and booze were having on me. I used them because I thought they made me feel better, more able to cope. But, in truth, they were a major part of what was making me feel that way in the first place.
It didn't happen overnight, I still beat on myself at times, nights are particularly hard for me, but it is so much better now. This time last year I was up to my neck in it. I couldn't see my future beyond the next week, let alone next year. I'll tell you one thing, I never would have thought I'd be where I am now in a year. Great job I truly enjoy, close enough to my son I can see him regularly rather than a couple of times a year, getting along much better with my ex, and most amazingly, clean from pot for over 9 months!! I haven't gone that long since I started smoking over 20 years ago.
I guess my point is, while it doesn't happen overnight, it can oftentimes get better sooner than you would ever imagine. Perhaps I've just been lucky. I know for an agnostic, I sure have lived a blessed life. I should be dead now, for any number of reasons, but I'm still kicking and in remarkably good health. Anyway, that's been my experience with it. I wish everyone well. Take care.