My frustration comes from the change he's made. Thats so wrong in some ways but true. I was, I think, doing nicely with healing, recovering, and moving forward....without him. Then, he gets sober. It changes everything in my world. I waited for it. I prayed for it. I pleaded for it for so long. Then I let it go and started to heal myself but only far enough along so far to heal my wounds that come from an active AH.
The I was healing in a reality where he was still drinking. I was OK w/the idea that he wasn't part of my life, that he was with someone else, that his life and mine didn't connect anymore. I was OK with surrendering the fairytale and saying that it didn't have a happy ending built for two. Conceptually, letting go of all that with a sober version of him out there is soooo hard.
Sadly, I think I might capable of healthy relationship with someone else at this point but definitely not him. But I'm afraid to let go of the sober him. I've said "not now....we'll see in 6 months" but I'm afraid to say "not now, not ever".
I'm sooooo afraid of being wrong but I'm not finding any peace right now. My head does nothing but spin since he started asking for another chance. I need the spinning to stop. All of its based in "IFs" If he dumps her for good. If he grows and starts to get to the root of his problem. If stays sober.
I HATE the "what ifs" so much. I know if I just let go, they go away. I'm trying to decide if my marriage deserves me being patient with the "what ifs" a while longer.