I am so afraid of being wrong

Old 02-21-2010, 07:41 PM
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I am so afraid of being wrong

I think I am trapped by it.

He has recently quit drinking (4 months, ya for him). The sobriety come a year after we officially separated. I had moved on mentally while he was still drinking. The divorce was only a formality. I felt strong. I was comfortable and settled and at peace with the situation. Then he quit drinking.

Now he wants a chance to be the husband and father he should've been. I begged for that for such a long time. Then I got strong. I quit the drama. I reclaimed a life.

I know for sure that he isn't truly ready yet for a healthy relationship. He thinks that sobriety is enough and that everything else will follow. He's all better now don't you know. He doesn't need any additional counseling or to address any other issues. He's fine now, he thinks. He hasn't quite quit seeing the woman he was having an affair with b/c she is a crutch. He admits that.

As of right now, I KNOW that if I took him back it would be bad. But he keeps asking and I keep wondering. Maybe in a few months... maybe he'll grow and change and a healthy relationship could blossom.

I am afraid to say "NO" we're not going to get back together ever. Why am I so afraid to be wrong? Its almost paralyzing.

Please help sort through this?
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:46 PM
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He hasn't quite quit seeing the woman he was having an affair with b/c she is a crutch. He admits that.

The alcohol aside, this would be a huge reason to say no to reconciliation. If he wants to be a father to his children, that is one thing, but that's as far as I'd be willing to go.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:46 PM
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Hey Beautiful, I dont know if I am right or wrong, but I believe that we see them subconsciouslly as "Our failures", and if we give them one more chance, life will become all fairy tale and white picket fences. I would say RUN dont look back, now you are out of it, why go back, especially he was unfaithful. Thats the pits in my books. Focus on yourself, and find what makes YOU happy without him, you have come so far, and that first break is very hard to make. Go forwards, not backwards. of course, it is very easy for a stranger to give advice, but I have been in your shoes, maybe still am.
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:15 PM
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Totally agree with Suki and Cashfan. You worked so hard at your serenity.
Don't look back! He is still with "booze on legs"- dealbreaker for me!

In hindsight I realised that their good stuff is as hooking as their bad stuff. Keeps you on the rollercoaster.

Be strong and trust your gut.
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:15 PM
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Now he wants a chance to be the husband and father he should've been.
If this is the case, why is he still seeing the other woman, the "crutch?" This would be huge red flags flying high if it were me. Sounds to me like he's holding on to her just in case you won't take him back. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

He's all better now don't you know. He doesn't need any additional counseling or to address any other issues. He's fine now, he thinks.
Just because someone stops drinking doesn't mean that they are "fine now." Does he go to any Meetings? What kind of support system does he have. He's going to have to get to the reasons as to why he drank. The hardest part of Recovery is the work on one's self after getting clean. There's nothing worse than a dry drunk. I know several people who just stopped drinking and didn't do anything else. They are truly miserable. They can't stay clean for very long because sooner or later, all those demons in the closet come out to haunt them. I stopped drinking and using drugs so many times without any help and I know I couldn't stay clean very long.

I hope you'll just continue to focus on yourself and the kids. If he wants to be a Dad now, great. But as far as wanting to try to be a Husband again? Only time will tell. He's going to need to get rid of the girlfriend first then do a lot of work on himself before I think you should even consider letting him back into your life.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:15 PM
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Question

Originally Posted by BeautifulG View Post

He hasn't quite quit seeing the woman he was having an affair with b/c she is a crutch. He admits that.
Please help sort through this?

He still has his g/f and wants you back???
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by BeautifulG View Post
I think I am trapped by it.


I know for sure that he isn't truly ready yet for a healthy relationship.

Why am I so afraid to be wrong? Its almost paralyzing.

Please help sort through this?
Perhaps neither of you are "ready" for a healthy relationship. You worked hard on this situation. Start healing and have a healthy relationship with yourself. If you have not try going to Alanon and talk to those that have been through what you are going through now.
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Old 02-21-2010, 10:40 PM
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My frustration comes from the change he's made. Thats so wrong in some ways but true. I was, I think, doing nicely with healing, recovering, and moving forward....without him. Then, he gets sober. It changes everything in my world. I waited for it. I prayed for it. I pleaded for it for so long. Then I let it go and started to heal myself but only far enough along so far to heal my wounds that come from an active AH.

The I was healing in a reality where he was still drinking. I was OK w/the idea that he wasn't part of my life, that he was with someone else, that his life and mine didn't connect anymore. I was OK with surrendering the fairytale and saying that it didn't have a happy ending built for two. Conceptually, letting go of all that with a sober version of him out there is soooo hard.

Sadly, I think I might capable of healthy relationship with someone else at this point but definitely not him. But I'm afraid to let go of the sober him. I've said "not now....we'll see in 6 months" but I'm afraid to say "not now, not ever".

I'm sooooo afraid of being wrong but I'm not finding any peace right now. My head does nothing but spin since he started asking for another chance. I need the spinning to stop. All of its based in "IFs" If he dumps her for good. If he grows and starts to get to the root of his problem. If stays sober.

I HATE the "what ifs" so much. I know if I just let go, they go away. I'm trying to decide if my marriage deserves me being patient with the "what ifs" a while longer.
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Old 02-21-2010, 10:51 PM
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You want a "healthy" relationship? That is NOT what you get with a dry drunk, who knows it all and refuses to look at recovery help, and is not finished with his gf yet.

Having done so much and moved on so far in your recovery and life, why would you want to sabotage it all for Mr Selfish?

Let him be dad to his kids, but please don't fall for his twaddle about wanting to be a good husband to you. Good husbands don't keep the woman he cheated with, in his pocket as a crutch or whatever, while making up to their wife.

He isn't fine, is not all knowing about his addiction and not recovering, just marking time and sounding off.

Stay as you are, and keep working on you.

God bless
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Old 02-22-2010, 01:26 AM
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He hasn't quite quit seeing the woman he was having an affair with
Dealbreaker for me. Are you happy to accept anyone on those terms/

I know for sure that he isn't truly ready yet for a healthy relationship
Listen you your wonderful knowing instinct.

But he keeps asking and I keep wondering.
He is still controlling you. His quacking is causing you to second guess yourself.

Then I got strong. I quit the drama. I reclaimed a life.
Well done. now STAY strong, Keep your life.

Hugs
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:00 AM
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Many of us harbor resentments based on our personal experiences.

Many women are seeing one or more guys cause they havn't fouind Mr Right yet. Many women continue to see guys until Mr Right agrees to their terms, at which time Ms. Right is solely wit Mr Right
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:42 AM
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For me, personally, if I were that far removed from the drama, I could never go back for one more round.
There is no "What if's" or "what if I'm wrong", he won't change unless he's working a program and unless he's committed to you and not another woman.

Just imagine for a minute if you will, all the wonderful healing you've done. Where you've found peace. Then imagine taking him back and wondering "is he drinking again, is he seeing her" every time he leaves the house. All that mistrust and drama all over again.
This is not to say it's not possible that he's trying to heal, but 4 months into sobriety is way too soon. He needs years to heal.

Ask yourself, do you really want to give up your peace to do it all again?!
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:15 AM
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I'm sooooo afraid of being wrong but I'm not finding any peace right now. My head does nothing but spin since he started asking for another chance. I need the spinning to stop. All of its based in "IFs" If he dumps her for good. If he grows and starts to get to the root of his problem. If stays sober.

All classic signs and symptoms of codependency! His drinking or not drinking is still pushing your buttons - your reactions/obsessions are still revolving around things you have no control over, and you are trying to make hard decisions with the soft manufactured evidence he is giving you.

Keep your eyes open and respect what you see. He is not working a program of recovery. He is still sleeping with someone else. He is trying to coerce and confuse and guilt you into reconciling. Yuk. Yuk. And double yuk!!!

What can you do today to get the focus back on you and your needs and your dreams 100%? If it were me, I'd tell him to step WAY off and get myself to an AlAnon meeting or a therapy session. When I focus on me, serenity returns, more is revealed, and the next right thing to do becomes very clear.

peace-
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Old 02-22-2010, 09:32 AM
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Thank you all.

I am definitely recovering co-dependent. I seem to be doing well in other areas of my life. But dealing with him, well clearly, I haven't quite mastered it.

I do need to find a new counselor. Changes in insurance and jobs has been a problem. I haven't found an Al-Anon group in my new area that really seems to resonate with me. The folks who attend all seem to have been going for a long time and seem to be in a much different place than me. I'm looking for one closer to work.
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:51 AM
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Hi Beautiful,

I'm popping in rather late in the conversation but I just wanted to chime in about a few things...

Originally Posted by BeautifulG View Post
I've said "not now....we'll see in 6 months" but I'm afraid to say "not now, not ever".

I'm sooooo afraid of being wrong but I'm not finding any peace right now.
This fear of being wrong...I'm good friends with it. It's the Perfectionist's fear. It's the fear of someone who's been hurt a lot. I still struggle with it daily. And on a daily basis, I remind myself to give it up to my HP. Considering my rather STELLAR past choices, I obviously don't know what's best for me; my Higher Power does. So I hand the controls over and admit that whatever happens is meant to happen for a reason. There's no right or wrong about it where HP is concerned.

When I think like this, the fear goes away.


Originally Posted by BeautifulG View Post
My head does nothing but spin since he started asking for another chance. I need the spinning to stop. All of its based in "IFs" If he dumps her for good. If he grows and starts to get to the root of his problem. If stays sober.

I HATE the "what ifs" so much. I know if I just let go, they go away. I'm trying to decide if my marriage deserves me being patient with the "what ifs" a while longer.
Just an observation here: you have been working on your own recovery for a while now. You have felt at peace; you have been slowly moving on. Your H comes back into the picture and you're in turmoil again? I'd say this turmoil will continue if your H comes back into your life. Right now, and perhaps forever, he is a wildcard, an unstable element. You don't know whether you can trust him based on his part record, AND on his current behavior.

I've been told this a lot on SR: When in doubt, do nothing. Whatever's meant to happen will happen.
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:21 PM
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Four months dry and he's all better?

I'd show him the front of my closed door. I say this because I've lived with it, dry drunks are insane, truly.
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:00 PM
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Not all dry drunks are insane. Some are in pain, just like some dry codies are.
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:43 PM
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Quack, Quack, Quack.

That's all it is. He's sobered up just enough to realize just how strong you are, and what a mess he made, and just what he's lost.

Too fricken bad for him.

You are on a good path now, don't look back. You'll be fine, you'll be happy.
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:21 PM
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What is in your heart for your SELF? What is your wildest dream? Is there one place you have always wanted to travel to? Did you always want to pursue some class or degree or other education that you haven't yet? Do you have a bucket list? Do you have girlfriends you like to hang out with? Hobbies you enjoy alone or with friends? How full is your life without him? Because The fuller your life, the more you fill your heart with dreams for your SELF, the more actively you pursue these things and the less fearful you become of letting go and possibly making a "mistake."
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by isurvived View Post
Quack, Quack, Quack.

That's all it is. He's sobered up just enough to realize just how strong you are, and what a mess he made, and just what he's lost.

Too fricken bad for him.

You are on a good path now, don't look back. You'll be fine, you'll be happy.
Thats my assessment of the situation too. Except that I'm having a hard time not looking back and not looking forward. Right now he's not "there" yet but he's leaps and bounds beyond where he was 4 months ago. So that progress makes me wonder about the future. If he continues to move forward maybe there is hope for us in the future.

The thing is that I'm happy. I was happy before this latest nonsense of his. I'm still happy. I know I'll be happy regardless of what happens. What I'm not is serene or peaceful like I prefer.

I know that everything about waiting to see how he does is everything thats bad for a codie like me. I just can't help wondering.
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