sosad, i wish you could get a copy of "codie no more" by melody beattie, and/or "the grief club" by the same author. i spent months doing the bare minimum and reading those 2 books were my lifesaver..... also going to some AA meetings... i hope you got alanon or even AA... that was the closest meeting to me and they welcomed me too. it was soothing to see others were struggling with their own fantasies and obsessions, realizing i was not alone. i recall arriving in tears and some days i even found myself laughing with the others after a while. and listening to recovered people made me remember i want to hang around ppl that are improving their lives NOT sending it down the drain, harming others horribly and passing it off as "FUN". please keep posting. you are worth so much more, remember NONE of what others think or do or say or decide for themselves has to do with us. life gets better, it really does, one breathe at a time.
PS i compared myself to my ex's seemingly wonderful life for months, its not worth the pain. remember alcoholics have their magic potion to "COPE", "forget", "enjoy".. you are facing reality now... and there is light at the end of that tunnel; active addicts are digging their own grave and they don't even realize it. hardly FUN in my book. define your own happiness and go for it.... YOU get to decide who you will be TODAY... whatever decisions made in the past, were because that was the best you could do then... dont beat yourself up, you're just human ((hugs))