might have an ulcer while he is enjoy the beach life

Old 02-20-2010, 10:19 AM
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might have an ulcer while he is enjoy the beach life

I have recently been horrible ill. I am in my early 30's and need to have two procedures done next week to get to the root of my stomach trouble. My family thinks it all the stress he has caused.
I do worry about him and dream about him and wish he would get well. I was doing so well. I didn't talk to him for 3 months. I caved on on Valentines Day when he called. I relapsed. I was not happy I spoke to him nor was I sad....it took all I had in me to keep cool and not lose myself in the conversation. He called again, but I didn't respond
He moved far away to a warm place so he could be homeless and not freeze....and yet he tells everyone that life gets better and better and he is so happy. How could he be happy? he is far from his child, has no place to live and no steady income. He does not have any material possessions and yet he claims this Zen life if fulfilling. He somehow manages to have enough to drink. Lost everything for his true love "addiction"
I get annoyed at his claims for happiness. I am the one who is working, has family. I did lose so many almost all of my friends because they wanted me to leave him and I left them instead. I am all alone, sad, sick , lonely and trying to recover while he is well. Still claims I am his soul mate and love for me....
Everyone tells me I need to move on and live but how do I do that. I lost all my friends I have no one to hang out with. I am a Christian and IRONICALLY do not enjoy clubs and drinking. Isn't it funny that I met him at church and not a bar and yet his alcohol and drug problem have controlled me. Sometimes I feel like I am the one with the problem.My life is worse and he feels his is better?
Anyway, people say move on get better, but no one seems to tell me how to make the love stop, how to not want to be with him, how to give up hope and how to forget about him. One of my biggest fears in life is to settle for someone who is good and kind and than have the true love of my life ( him) get better and be stuck with someone I just like but not love
I HATE BEING THE CRAZY PERSON I HAVE become. I have never had alcohol . I don;t smoke or do drugs and yet I AM SICK
His child seems to be okay without him and here I sit sick
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:39 AM
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We codies often become as addicted to our addict as the addict does to their drug of choice. Unfortunately, the only way you can "get over him" is to have absolutely no contact with him. How can this man be the "love of your life" when you haven't lived your entire life yet? This man has nothing to offer you. Block him on your phone and tell mutual friends and family that you don't want to hear anything about him. Yes, it's difficult, and you will have a period of withdrawal, just like an addict does when they stop using.

You have a beautiful child who loves you and needs you to be healthy. Get your medical procedures taken care of and then set about taking the very best care you can of yourself and your child. You can do this! (((HUGS)))
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:46 AM
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Thank you Suki. I appreciate your kind words. I know I need to ignore. yes, some of his family thinks that I should respond on days when I can and not on the days I can't? somedays this makes sense others it does not
The child is his and his first wife's. I am thankful that we did not have a child together, we were not married. We dated a year this last time and a very short time when I was 17 the first time I fell in love with him. We parted ways and he was married for a short time.
When we got together again he was getting help in rehab and I was new to all this and with my faith I just knew he could beat it. that was about 5 tries ago.
I always thought of him between 17-30 and well....here I am the fool
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:52 AM
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Although, his child is not mine. I love her and feel sad that in a way I lost her too. she was so happy when we told her we were getting married. Said she couldn't wait for me to be her step-mom. I think she had hopes that I would fix her daddy.
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:53 AM
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Thank you for your pateience with my posts. i know they must be annoying because they are sad and depressing and me just moaning. I promise that I will post positve things as I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You are all so great. I feel less lost and alone because of this site.
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Old 02-20-2010, 11:02 AM
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I see. I misunderstood and thought you had a child together that you were raising. Even so, my comments still stand. This man has absolutely nothing to offer you, and while you cannot control what he does, you do have total and complete control over yourself. Take care of your medical issues and then set about making a wonderful life for yourself. It may not seem like it now, but you are SO much better off without him and his problems.
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Old 02-20-2010, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by sosad09 View Post
Thank you for your pateience with my posts. i know they must be annoying because they are sad and depressing and me just moaning. I promise that I will post positve things as I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You are all so great. I feel less lost and alone because of this site.
hey, knock it off! your posts aren't annoying - that's what this forum is for!!

i totally get how you feel. the times i felt i needed to completely let go of mine, i have been afraid because i know he would walk away and never walk back, if i changed my mind or if he got more healthy and wanted to have another go at it. because he would be so hurt, and this the last in a line of hurts, he would shut off his heart forever.

i really believe that there is something not well inside of us, that causes us to be vulnerable to these addictive type people. when we address that, and when we get on the track to wellness, that will no longer exist. the thing about getting better, is that when you have gone "up" a little, you never go back "down". oh, maybe a little relapse from time to time, but when you've really reached a different level of function, it's permanent.

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS

unfortunately, the only way through it is to go through it. you may have "him" moments months down the road. but one day you will feel like you're really over him, and then one later day, you will meet someone else and you'll be in a better place to receive the kind of love that someone will offer.

don't listen to the voices telling you to talk to him sometimes. abstinence is for us as well as the drug addict. they just don't understand.

write the girl a letter in which you tell her that you love her. then write her one which she will read many years from now.

now.....what are you doing (other than s/r) to help yourself?
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:23 PM
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I didn't even get to the part of reading others responses.. your post made me cry deep in my soul... It is like you are me.. I am you.. sad.. sad.. I mean, I could have written it right down to the.. he is in a warmer climate.. to... this.. (which is eating me like a cancer) ~~~~>>>

One of my biggest fears in life is to settle for someone who is good and kind and than have the true love of my life ( him) get better and be stuck with someone I just like but not love

I think I need to rethink why I even approach anything that even looks like moving forward until I address that issue... (the one you so pointed out.. and so very well!!).

It will all be ok.. it has gotten a lot better after 20 months..
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Old 02-21-2010, 05:49 AM
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I do worry about him and dream about him and wish he would get well. This is your fantasy thinking. What can you do to change it? Your future and well-being are not tied to him.

He moved far away to a warm place so he could be homeless and not freeze....and yet he tells everyone that life gets better and better and he is so happy. How could he be happy? he is far from his child, has no place to live and no steady income. He does not have any material possessions and yet he claims this Zen life if fulfilling. He somehow manages to have enough to drink. Lost everything for his true love "addiction"
Your definition of happiness and his are not the same. He is happy drinking. (Addicts lie. He might not be happy). His happiness is none of your business.

I get annoyed at his claims for happiness.
Then don't talk to him.

I am the one who is working, has family. I did lose so many almost all of my friends because they wanted me to leave him and I left them instead. I am all alone, sad, sick , lonely and trying to recover while he is well. Still claims I am his soul mate and love for me....
He is not well. He is an active A. He lies. You know these things, but choose to ignore them and focus on what he is doing right now. There is a lot of resentment here. I completely understand. I struggle too. But, you are in charge of you, not him. Do you think that you are mad at yourself for choosing him over your friends? I did that, so I know well. They (your friends) wanted you to be free of him, so now that you are, doesn't it reason that thye might be open to re-establishing connections with you? Maybe start small and reach out to one of two people for lunch or a movie? Open the lines of communication back up.

Everyone tells me I need to move on and live but how do I do that. I lost all my friends I have no one to hang out with. I am a Christian and IRONICALLY do not enjoy clubs and drinking. Isn't it funny that I met him at church and not a bar and yet his alcohol and drug problem have controlled me. Sometimes I feel like I am the one with the problem.My life is worse and he feels his is better?
His words and actions don't match. He has no integrity. That is him, not you. How do his lies or his life affect you now?

Anyway, people say move on get better, but no one seems to tell me how to make the love stop, how to not want to be with him, how to give up hope and how to forget about him.
Start living your life and doing things you enjoy without him. If friends are important, then reconnect with old ones and make new ones. Yoga, gyms, book clubs, church, classes of any kind, town meetings, etc...no booze there.

One of my biggest fears in life is to settle for someone who is good and kind and than have the true love of my life ( him) get better and be stuck with someone I just like but not love
When we get stuck in the soulmate, love of my life thing, it really limits us. What if he died? Would you go out ever again? Right now, he wants booze, not you. This hurts (HUGS), but this is reality.

I HATE BEING THE CRAZY PERSON I HAVE become. I have never had alcohol . I don;t smoke or do drugs and yet I AM SICK
Then work on not being crazy. Think about what is currently the reality. Put the energy you spend on him, on you and your goals.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:22 AM
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sosad, I am in agreement with the post above from MissFixit.

I have done the, "how could so and so be happy living that way?", questioning a few times. All it did was keep me bewildered and confused, sometimes angry or sad, and it took up time I could have spent more fruitfully for me. I now just think "it aint my way" and leave it to them, otherwise I let it muck with my head and interfere with my happiness.

So then you chose him over your friends, and now you are lonely! Time to reach out and reclaim those friends if it is possible, or make new ones. He isn't stopping you from doing that now, so make some plans to take back your life. The only thing holding you back is yourself, if you choose to let his addictions continue controlling you and how you live your life.

The only way to get out of the habit and rut you are in, that of "loving" him, and hoping for what is most probably the impossible, is to treat him as an addiction and work on cutting him from your life. Make the decision to replace thinking about him to thinking about you, what you need, want in life, how you can improve it and grow.

His claims of loving you and being your soulmate are not true, and his actions are what show these comments are false.
A loving soulmate does not run away to become a beach bum, and drink themselves to death, leaving you hurt, lonely and upset. That is the action of a selfish, manic and unloving addict.....not the action of a lover.

Holding on to the fantasy of him as love of your life, will keep you prisoner and you are actually being your own jailer here. You have the power to open the door and walk out of the jail and be free.

Getting help from a counsellor or therapist could ease your passage to moving on, learning to no longer love the fantasy of him and a future with him, and getting you back to the reality of what is, instead of what you wish reality was.

Make a list of people and interests you could invest yourself in and go from there.

As far as being an investment goes, I think you could describe your ex as nothing but a scam, so cut your losses now and put your energy and time into you.

God bless
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:40 AM
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For some reason, a song just popped into my head. One line goes...

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key.

It's a line from the song Already Gone by the Eagles. It seems somewhat apropos here.
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:02 AM
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sosad, i wish you could get a copy of "codie no more" by melody beattie, and/or "the grief club" by the same author. i spent months doing the bare minimum and reading those 2 books were my lifesaver..... also going to some AA meetings... i hope you got alanon or even AA... that was the closest meeting to me and they welcomed me too. it was soothing to see others were struggling with their own fantasies and obsessions, realizing i was not alone. i recall arriving in tears and some days i even found myself laughing with the others after a while. and listening to recovered people made me remember i want to hang around ppl that are improving their lives NOT sending it down the drain, harming others horribly and passing it off as "FUN". please keep posting. you are worth so much more, remember NONE of what others think or do or say or decide for themselves has to do with us. life gets better, it really does, one breathe at a time.
PS i compared myself to my ex's seemingly wonderful life for months, its not worth the pain. remember alcoholics have their magic potion to "COPE", "forget", "enjoy".. you are facing reality now... and there is light at the end of that tunnel; active addicts are digging their own grave and they don't even realize it. hardly FUN in my book. define your own happiness and go for it.... YOU get to decide who you will be TODAY... whatever decisions made in the past, were because that was the best you could do then... dont beat yourself up, you're just human ((hugs))
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Old 02-21-2010, 10:41 AM
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His claims of loving you and being your soulmate are not true, and his actions are what show these comments are false.
A loving soulmate does not run away to become a beach bum, and drink themselves to death, leaving you hurt, lonely and upset. That is the action of a selfish, manic and unloving addict.....not the action of a lover
.

so very, very true.

well-said, jadmack
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:26 AM
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How to get over the love? Anger!
Anger is a great love killer.
When I was getting over an ex, who did horrible things to me, I was sick for a while while he still went about his business.
I got angry, angry at him and mostly at myself for being such a schelpp and allowing another to control my life.
I picked up my boot straps and took control back. I took my life back. Wondering and asking questions as to why this or that will make you really ill.
Get angry is all I have to say. Being a victim keeps you sad and sadness is not the right recipe for healing.
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