ElC, I am hoping you are feeling better and I wish you the best. I have been drinking or drugging since I was 7. My older brother said, "Hey, try this." And that's how I started at age seven. As I type that I realize how utterly insane it sounds. I am now 45 years old! Long story short, I really did not understand alcoholism or detoxing at all. In March of 2009, I decided this had to stop. I could not live with the bottle and I could not live without it. I was lying in my bed, shaking, puking, sweating, hallucinating, too weak to get up, too sick to eat, too upset to sleep, it was absolute hell to me! I really wish I had gone to detox. Surely to goodness, it would have been easier! On Day 3 my mother called and told me she read that I could die from this and maybe she should get me to a doctor. I declined, too proud. I also think in my mind I felt I deserved all the pain and suffering. I was not letting anyone help me because it wasn't their fault I got this way. I have to laugh at myself now because it all seems so stupid! Just insane! If I can keep from picking up a drink or drug on 3/22/10 I will have an entire year of sobriety. That being said, I know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that I COULD NOT have done any of this for this length of time without being open-minded, painfully honest, and extremely willing. I got to the point of saying "You know what? Nothing I have tried has worked. I do not know what to do or how to do it. All I know is I must get sober. Maybe I should listen to these "AA people", maybe I should try what they suggest, maybe they are right and I am wrong, maybe I can learn to live totally sober and still be happy, maybe my daughter will one day be proud of her mother again maybe she will be happy for me, maybe........just maybe.........." I thank God for those maybes! They were a very tiny speck of hope--all that I had left and they, AA, the steps, this site, my family, my friends, and many other things combined truly did save my life! I was so willing to do anything to quit drinking that I probably would have stripped naked and cut cartwheels down Main Street until being arrested if someone had said "Do this and you won't drink again." I totally surrendered - I gave up!
Whatever you do, just be safe and know that you are not alone! Please post more soon so we will know you are OK.
By the way, my life is awesome now, I would need pages and pages to tell you how much better it is--and it's only been 11 months! I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring!