I don't mean to pick on every little thing you say, cambridge. You are going to have the experience that you have. It's your path. But, since this is a 12 Step forum (and because I can't contain myself)...
Originally Posted by
cambridge 
Yes, I have accepted that I cannot drink, that drinking brings chaos into my life.
Look a little deeper. This makes a logical argument why I shouldn't drink. Because I can't moderate or drink sensibly, drinking brings chaos in my life. Therefore, if I want to end the chaos, I should quit drinking. OK, then, just quit drinking. Step 1 goes deeper than that.
Look at Bill's Story. At this point, when he knew the answer was that he couldn't safely drink at all, he describes it as, "Gradually things got worse." This understatement gets to the heart of the mental obsession. It's at this point where Bill
cannot quit drinking. It's where he learns about powerlessness. He tries willpower and ends up drunk. He tries self-knowledge and ends up drunk. He tries fear and ends up drunk.
This is the baffling nature of alcoholism. That, once we have crossed that line, the most powerful and sincere desire to quit is of no avail.
Step 1 really means that I am 100% **cked with a capital F. It meant, for me, walking out of a courtroom after being informed of what would happen to me if I got caught drinking before my sentencing,
and knowing without any doubt that I was going to drink. Not because I wanted to, but because I was powerless not to.
It's only when I feel that powerlessness in my heart that I truly have taken Step 1. When I know I'm screwed. That's the feeling that drives me inescapably into Step 2.
Originally Posted by
cambridge I am just questioning the value of some of the steps as they seem to place all power in the hands of a HP rather than in the person who is working to make the change.
If Step 1 has convinced me that I will never recover without casting aside those ideas, emotions, and attitudes and having them replaced with new driving forces of my life, how do I go about that? How do I cast aside my life-long beliefs?
The notion of higher power comes in almost in retrospect. After experiencing that change (conversion experience if you really want to get scared), I found it was so profound that it didn't seem like it was my doing at all. IT seemed beyond my comprehension and my own power.
And the IT scares me. I can only tell you that IT is what happens when this change occurs. If you have IT (which is necessary for recovery), you will know what IT is. And IT will seem pretty damn big and powerful. Some folks call IT God.