My experience is summed up in this quote. I could go for a while, reminding myself of all the bad consequences of me taking a drink. But there always came a day where those thoughts either didn't occur at all, or I'd find some insanely trivial reason to pick up, or I'd say F-it, or something.
It's the mental obsession, the insanity of the first drink, the baffling nature of alcoholism. For me, this went way beyond logic and common sense. Something else was involved. And something else was required to recover. I had to have spiritual help, and my strong atheist beliefs didn't prevent me from accepting that help.
Originally Posted by AA Big Book 1st Ed.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.