I know how you feel Pedaling!
I felt exactly like you. I want you to know that it gets better. I finally made the decision to really commit to no contact...and I cried for dayyyysss because I didn't want to. I asked my A if he wanted me to leave him so he could drink. He said yes. So that plus many more times around again....Here I am.
You can do it! I am learning so many things about myself already! I'm not going to lie its very painful, but it gets better everyday. And I need to fix MY HEART. I think you should do the same. This person has hurt you.
The one thing that keeps me going in knowing that one day when he stops he'll realize all the pain he has caused....and as much as I try to point it all out to him now, he doesn't want to see it. And its not my job to shine light on people who want to be in the dark.
So nurture the person that deserves it. You.
It gets easier. And I literally repeated that line to myself. "Just because I'm detaching, doesn't mean I don't love him." It helps. You feel guilty probably because him manipulating you is the only way he knew how to keep you. Sad isn't it?
We're rooting for you. Come to this side of the bridge!